Week 7 Update

Hello gentlemen.....week 7 is in the books and something very special occurred this week. Sound the trumpets!!!! The Airborne Thugs have stopped the bleeding and brought home victory #1 on the year!!!! Not only did Bob's band of misfits and retreads win, they posted almost enough to be the "Big John" Stud of the Week, falling just 3 points short of the 196 tallied by Team Trauma. Congrats to Bob on his first (and possibly only) win of the season.....anyone remember when Wes was tied for 1st place???? It feels like so long ago that I believe Birkenstocks with wooly socks were cool......and, no Styx, they aren't still cool.

On the NFL front, the hapless Bears dropped their third straight game as Jay Cutler completed pass after pass with laser-like precision.........to DeAngelo Hall!!!! Really Jay, was it gonna take 9 picks before you stopped throwing in that guy's direction???? I'm not sure of it, but I think he had a pretty good read on your delivery. If it was me, I probably would've quit passing his way after the one-handed interception that he returned 90 yards to the house.......but that's just me! During the bye-week Cutler is going to be lobbying the state senate in Illinios to insitute a new lottery game called the "Weekly Pick 6". The only people NOT eligible to participate in the new game are the Bears WRs.....everyone else is good to go. If you can lace up a pair of cleats, you have a damn good shot at winning each week!

Alright, let's get to this week's action in this league. Here's how things looked from where I sat.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Big John" Stud of the Week

Our stud this week comes all the way from Danville, Indiana just outside of Indianapolis as Team Trauma blew up for 196 points....much to the dismay of Nooner's Panthers. How do you score that high when you have a WR that records a zero? Well, it's possible when the rest of your team is in double digits and half of them put up over 20 points. Oh, yeah, he also had the Washington defense.......or should we call them the Washington offense????

Two of Andy's lesser players came to perform on Sunday as Matt Moore and Brandon Jackson doubled their projections and then some. Who do you think was more confused on Sunday? Nooner after getting the near 200 point bomb dropped on him with enormous games from Moore and Jackson, or this guy..................



I'm going with Noon!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Turd of the Week

The turd this week is brought to us by Jason Kos and "The Knuckle". Kos had his worst week to date as only Aaron Rodgers, Frank Gore, and his kicker were able to scrape up totals in the double-digits as 8 of his guys failed to clear 9 points. Ryan Matthews continued his season long siesta and Tony Romo collapsed in a cartoon-like heap after breaking his collarbone midway through the game on Monday. Sunto rolled to an easy victory as his team blasted Kos' with a 70 point casualty. Better contact Sean for a QB trade, Kos.....he's got Troy Smith, you know.

I'm not sure what is more pathetic.....Kos' score in this matchup, the old guy that can't seem to rip himself away from the strip clubs, or the old guy that can't rip himself away from the dance floor filled with college kids.




Kos.....you gotta spend more time at home, my man!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Situation" of the Week

OK, Styx, I know you were able to roll through last season (and even win the playoffs) with a one QB lineup......but what is this latest strategy that you are trying to employ???? A zero QB lineup???? I mean, you did still outscore Kos, but are you really going to go the rest of the year with Mark Sanchez and VY as your QBs and then plug in Charlie Whitehurst (check out his sweeeeet Lion-O look!) when one of them is injured or on a bye???? Brian Wilson's beard thinks this plan is a bad idea! Make a move, man!!!! Your team doing anything this season seems to have about as good of a chance of succeeding as these guys have of graduating..........




All of you should all probably call it a year!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's it for this week boys. The Commish will be back next week with all new hi-jinx and hilarities. Keep plugging away at making your teams the best that they can possibly be as EVERYONE (yes, even Bob) still has a shot at making the playoffs. I'm outta here like the bandit that was printing these IDs.........do you think this is a fake or is Mississippi just reallllllllllyyyy liberal with their license photos????

Week 6 Update

Good afternoon, men. Another week of fantasy football has come and gone and things appear to be pretty close to the same as they were last week. There was a change at the top of the leaderboard as Wes dropped to #3 with a loss, but most spots stood pat during what can only be described as a lack-luster fantasy week.

On the NFL front, however, things were a bit more exciting as apparently each and every defender set out on Sunday to decapitate at least one player from the opposite team. Head-hunting was the order of the day as fantasy star after fantasy star dropped to the ground and the commenced to perform the worst rendition of the "cabbage patch" dance ever (Hey, Desean....your dance moves are a bit stiff. You gotta loosen up, my man).

On a even sadder note, the Bears managed to drop their second game of the season to the surprising S'wawks from the upper northwest. This was due in large part to the Bears' O-line disappearing yet again like Manny dipping in behind the green monster for a mid-game pee break. At this point, I'm thinking five of those inflatable punching bags with the sand-filled bases would offer more protection than the five broke-dicks that Chicago runs out there every Sunday....

Enough with the complaining, already. Let's talk some fantasy football. Here's how things looked from where I sat.......
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Big Jim Stud" of the Week

Our stud this week comes to us courtesy of the man that is so creative that his team name remains the name of his keeper....Team Chris Johnson. Yeah, we get it Sean....you will have a great team until Chris Johnson gets hurt because you were lucky enough to draft him the the late rounds three years ago. Change your team name! I've got some suggestions.....how about Team "I log 9.5 hours on the computer a day, minimum" or the "Carpal-Tunnel" Squad???? Just some ideas.

Sean was high scorer this week thanks to other-worldly performances from Kevin Kolb and Ryan Torain, both of whom nearly doubled their predicted values. There haven't been two guys come from out of nowhere and gain quick success like that since those two bald, German guys from "Right Said Fred" told us how sexy they were. Hopefully, Sean isn't too sexy to win in the playoffs (again)!

I'm pretty sure we will see Sean's team in the playoffs.....that is unless he injures himself in some freakish way....like patting himself on the back! "Great job, Sean."
"Thank you, Sean! You do excellent work yourself!"
Let us know if your arm gets tired....we can help you with that!



Why is Styx at that party getting whipped?????
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Turd of the Week

The turd this week comes from the exact same matchup that gave us the stud as Wes only managed to post 113 pts against Sean. Wes fell prey to ineffectiveness (Miles Austin), injury (Antonio Gates), bad RBs (Shonn Greene and Green-Ellis), and sheer desperation. What was so desperate about his line-up, you ask? Check out his second QB slot! You know what it says? Yep, Tim Tebow! Wes slotted in the Orange Jesus hoping to get a rushing TD or some other sort of mickey-mouse points out of Timmy......and HE DID!!!! Unfortunately, the rest of the Rug DRs went AWOL as they got worked over by 84 pts.

It was a rough day in the Hall household. Check out this video of Wes trying to climb out of bed Sunday morning.......


......I'm not sure what I was supposed to be seeing there, Wes, but it sounded like hell on earth!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Situation" of the Week

The Situation of this week comes from "The Situation" of this league......the Commish! The Commish got a solid week from his group this week. There were no big stars, to be sure, but had a respectable 133 going into the Monday night affair. Standing in the way of the Commish and victory was Noon and his band of overachieving WRs (Gaffney, Wallace, Bess, and Hester had all outscored their projections) as the Panthers had opened up a 9 pt lead with no players left to play. The Commish, however, had waiver-wire hero Kenny Britt left to go with a shotty JAX defense on the other side of the ball. What transpired was pure poetic justice as the Titans drove down the field on their first series that culminated with a TD pass from VY to............Kenny Britt! Ten points on the opening drive a victory was sealed. And it was a good thing, because Britt caught exactly ZERO passes the rest of the game........hello, 3-3!!!!

That must have stung, Nooner. Did it feel anything like this?...........



Classy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well boys, the Commish has the retire back to his den to figure out a way to win again this week.....it's rarely a challenge! I hope this week finds you all well as I haven't heard from many of you recently. The playoff picture is still very unclear at this point with 11 of the 12 team still within a game or two of each other so keep plugging away and I'll talk with you next week. I'm outta here like the guy that was supposed to be fixing this sign........

Week 5 Update

Good afternoon gentlemen, it's good to be back. I know, I know...it's good to have me back. You don't have to be so sentimental and emotional, I was only gone for two weeks! That being said, the Commish will be gone again this weekend as he heads to Chicago to run in the Urbanathlon. I'll be sure to get a good look at the stadium that houses the NFC Central division leading Chicago Bears as part of the course involves running the stairs at Soldier Field. I fully expect Dan Hampton, Wilbur Marshall, Otis Wilson, Steve McMichael and the rest of the '85 defense to be standing by at the entrance of the stairs forming a human tunnel and cheering on yours truly. Ok, maybe not.....but maybe I can offer Matt Suhey $25 and a free Whopper coupon to come by and give me a high-five!

Alright, enough of that. Let's get back to some fantasy football. Some interesting things have happened the last few weeks and as injuries begin to mount up in real life, some player's fantasy teams have been nearly wiped off the map. Right, Bob? Team Airborne has been absolutely grounded as injury after catastrophic injury have claimed almost all of Bobby O's sub-average players! Don't worry Bobby, the Toilet Bowl still pays out $50!

Oh, by the way, the league leader after 5 weeks is.................Wes! Yeah, Wes Hall. Am I surprised by this development? In the words of Clark Griswold, I wouldn't be more surprised if I woke up tomorrow with my hair sewn to the carpet!!!! I guess that text I got two weeks ago from Sean that he "owned" this league may have been a little premature.......again (remember last year when he dubbed himself a Fantasy Mensa Memeber.......how did that work out????). Anyways, let's get to last weeks' highs and lows.......here's how things looked from where I sat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stud of the Week

Our stud last week was Kos as team Knuckles beat TRAUMA by 42 points and scored a 212. Ironically, TRAUMA would have beaten any other squad last week except Knuckles! I guess that's how things go when you are 1-4. Kos managed to roll even though he was starting two 3rd string receivers in Demaryius Thomas and Brad Smith (I'm thinking the Brad Smith from the group Blind Melon may have been a better play....or the little, chick in the bee costume from their music video), thanks to monstrous afternoons from Malcolm Floyd, Tony Roomo, and Matt Forte (Is it just me or do Malcolm, Tony, and Matt sound like three guys that probably attended the same school as Carlton and Will on the Fresh Prince of Bellaire?). Kos used this victory to move to 4-1 and right into the hunt for the regular season championship. Oh, and don't forget that it was his little buddy, Andy, that he knocked out to move into that position......

Next time you may want to choose your battles a bit more wisely, Andrew! Check out the goofy look on Kos' face after this KO!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dud of the Week
Alright, Noon, this is getting to be a bit ridiculous! It seems like every time I sit down to type this blog, there you are with the low score of the week. This week, only 4 of your starters managed to crack double-digits and you are starting BOTH Devin Hester and Dexter McCluster. Are you a fan of undersized receivers with dreads or do you just like to jam to Bob Marley and the Whalers? Well, I got news for you, Mr. Noon.....every little thing is NOT gonna be alright! This team is disgusting! You got outscored by a guy that didn't even play a defense! I get more nauseous looking at your squad than I do watch this video of Andrew Bogut.........

At least Bogut's arm will heal....your team is gonna continue to suck out loud!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fut the Whuck of the Week

You've upset a few of the people that just love to be upset, Don Comes. Nobody wants Wes getting a free ride into the league lead, let alone the Siskel and Ebert of fantasy football. I would have gladly picked up a defense for you this week if you had asked, but the commish can't blindly pick up a free agent for you (I can move around guys that you already have on your team, but adding a player on my opinion of who I think you should have would be unfair). Ten points would have given you a victory and sent Wes to 3-2 which may or may not have been achieved from a defensive pick-up, but now we'll never know. Oh, by the way, Sweat called.....he wanted to give you some advise on managing a fantasy team.

I found a guy on-line doing his best Don Comes impression.......



.......my man, put down the Captain Mogan's, pick up the mouse, and make some moves!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's it for this week, boys. I'll be back next week to update the status of this league and the 5-1 Bears (as long as Todd Collins doesn't get into the game)! I'm outta here like a MMS text sent from Brett Favre......wanna see my junk?????

Week 2 Mini-Update

Hello there, gentlemen! I know what you are thinking.....thanks for the update this week, slack-ass! I had considered letting this week go without an update, but it's Saturday night and I have a little time before bedtime as the Commish has to be up in the morning for the "Race for the Cure" (saving breasts is very high up on the Commish's priority list!).
While I've got you all together I thought we'd play a little game. It's called NFL QB Roll-Call. It's easy.....when I call out something that relates to your team, you sit down! Here we go:
If your team has 2 losses, have a seat. Yeah, that means you Bradford and Favre....rookies are just as accountable as vets! Whoa....did you sit down Romo???? I thought this was your year? Huh, maybe not. If your team has one loss, grab some pine. Geez, the ENTIRE NFC East? Was this not supposed to be the toughest division in football? Who else sat down? Manning and Brady?!?! It's getting pretty thin in here. You know what that means, don't you? If you are one of the 8 QBs still standing, then your team in undefeated.
Ok, if your team is not from a blue collar midwestern town, be seated. Just you two still standing???? Well, I guess only one of you will still be standing after Monday night and my money is on the goofy looking farmer boy with the weird looking bangs! How 'bout the Bears!!!!!
Alright, enough grab-ass. Let's get to this weeks awards. Here's how things looked from where I sat..................
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stud of the Week
This week's stud came at the expense of everyone's favorite author (yeah....me) as Andy absolutely rolled and came damn close to the all-time high score of 242. Team Trauma played the match-ups to a tee as 5 of his guys played either OAK, BUF, or DET (and they capitalized!). 4 of his players scored over 28 capped off by a 50 point day from Schaubb (somebody must have pissed him off by telling him he looked like Beaker from the Muppets!). The Commish was actually the 3rd highest scorer this week, but that matters little when you catch a dick-to-the-face like I did this week! The Commish was trying to throw deck chairs off the Titantic and it was a bit too little, and a lot too late!
Here's how the Commish felt during this week's contest.....


Nice man purse and whip, Andrew!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dud of the week
For the second week in a row, one of the new guys is the dud of the week! Looks like I brought in some dead money this year! Hey....at least you guys get to play each other this week, so you can't both lose! Luckily for Sean (as this is the only team he would have beaten this week....oops, my bad, he would have beaten Wes by .35 points!) Nooner could BARELY top 90 points! Look at that line-up!!!! Thank God for QBs, huh, Bill? Eight (yes......8 of 11) of his player failed to score more than 9.3 points and his third highest scorer was his kicker! Should I start getting that shit-squad prize engraved with your name William? I haven't seen someone get knocked on their ass that hard since this.......


Hey Bill, nice white shorts!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fut the Whuck of the Week
Our second Whuck comes to us courtesy of the Coker Clan that pilots team Flacco. Let me ask you guys a question.....is that Felix Jones in your 2nd RB slot? Let me ask you another question.....is that Ladianian Tomlinson on your bench? One more question......do you know you lost by less than 4 points? Why would you play Jones against the Bears and leave LT on the bench???? Fut the Whuck! 1-1 sure would look better than 0-2 right now. I'm sure your uncle/brother/uncle appreciated that charity W!
Just for that....you are all gonna be subjected to the world worst song/video starring (who else), the world's best bench RB............


I don't like that call....not a very good call (genious!). Christ on a cross.......that is horrible!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's it for this week boys....the Commish has to hit the hay. Good luck to all this week. I'm out of here like Kenny McKinley...........Really, Ken???? You had to go out like that? So what if your knee was blown out and you may never play ball again. There are 300 million people in this country that have to go to work every day to make a living.....it can be done, my man. You took the coward's way out, and for that, you get zero compassion from the Commish. (That might be too heavy of a way to end things, huh?)

OK........................Get ready for Monday night Bears fans.....it's gonna be a fun one! Two team enter, and only one leaves as division leader!

Week 1 Mini-Update

Well........here we go again, boys! To start off, I'd like to welcome back the old guard from last season and welcome in our newest guinea-pigs, Bill Noon and Bob Orwig. While I don't have particularly high hopes that either of these two will make this league any better, maybe one of these two turds will shine up nicely and surprise a few teams! (Get used to it, boys...that's how we roll in the updates.) That being said, you have probably recognized that the league hasn't been as chatty this year as it has been in seasons past. That is kinda by design as the the commish has a lot going on these days. Between getting ready for the baby, studying for the upcoming promotional test, and training for the Chicago Urbanathlon, the commish has been stretched pretty thin. Well two of these time constraints will be done by mid-October (the third won't be done for about 19 years....so about the time that one of Plaxico Burress' illegitimate kids is playing WR in the league!) so until time loosens up a bit, I am going to try to do a Mini-Update every week that I can squeeze it in. There won't be a full look at every game, but I'm going to go with a "Stud of the Week", a "Dud of the Week", and a "Fut the Whuck? of the Week". The first two will be fairly simple, using the high scorer and low scorer of the past week. The third category will be someone that caught my eye for all the wrong reasons and I feel that their ass-awfulness needs to be brought to light. So if you thought that you might be getting away with cruising under the radar with a suck-ass team for the first part of the year....you were dead wrong! Well......let's take a look at the first week in the Bearbackers league. Here's how things looked from where I sat.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stud of the Week
Our stud of the week performance comes from team "Chris Johnson" (hey, that's a damn creative name, Sean....how'd you come up with that????). A big day from Tom Brady and two monster days from CJ (yes, it was against Da Raiders, but it was still impressive.....2,500 yards anyone? ) and draft-day darling, Arian Foster helped off-set shit storms from No-Show Bowe
and Mr. Glass, Kevin Kolb. Although, let's be honest....team Johnson would not have needed those monster days from either back to beat up on team Jagermeifter as Chris got only 7 total points from Andre Johnson and Crabtree (ouch!). And, hey.......was that Clinton Portis and Justin Forsett in the same line-up???? Hello, Waiver Wire! Although maybe you should hold onto those guys, Chris....they both outscored DeAngelo!!!!

I came across a video of Sean as he was checking his final stat-lines.....................


I didn't know you spoke Italian, Sean!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dud of the Week
Our dud of the week comes courtesy of one of our newcomers as the Airborne Thugs scored a measly 102 points, which would have been much worse if not for a 30 point output from the Colts eighth WR in Austin Collie. This first Dud of the Week may be the worst of the year as Bob plugged in a horrendous Jake Delhomme as his QB2, got a -1 out of his kicker and slotted in Golden Tate at the flex spot...........um, Bob, I'm not sure if you know this, but gameday inactives come out every Sunday morning. Guess who was on Seattle's gameday inactive list this week. Nope, not Ricky Watters. Nope, not Brain Bosworth. Yep.....Golden Tate. You can't score if you don't play! This contest was an all-out dick stomping as Bob took a load in the face and lost by 73 points.......a damn impressive showing in your first week! Get your trade offers ready, boys, because I believe the Airborne Thugs will soon be grounded!

Here's what this matchup would have looked like if it was a fight between hockey fans......

Come on Bob....keep your shirt on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Fut the Whuck" of the Week

Our inaugural "Fut the Whuck" award goes to my younger and less intelligent brother Andy who is the captain of team TRAUMA. Andy played 3 WRs this week, Mike Sims-Walker, DeSean Jackson, and Bernard Berrian...a decent core of WRs. That's is until you look at the stat lines. Those 3 WRS score a TOTAL of 5.4 points! I believe I could drive down to the local Home Depot and snatch up 3 guys that will work for $0.50 an hour and bring home more than 5.4! Even a decent game out of these three would have given Andy enough points to secure a week 1 victory as he only lost to Styx by 19. But I guess that's what happens when you play the "all-or-nothing" type guys.....or maybe we should rename them "nothing-or-nothing" type guys.

I found a video of Andy opening up stattracker to take a look at his Sunday afternoon fantasy scores...........dude, don't check your scores while you are working out!


Hey man, keep your head up! It's only week one......but I sure am glad I'm 1-0 and not 0-1!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's you mini-update for week 1 boys. I'll try to make it back in next week with another installment, so keep your teams updated and current or you may be next week's victim. I'm out of here like Matthew Stafford! Raise your hand if you are a fan of the Bears defense....that's alright, Matt, you don't have to raise that hand......we know you are!