Week 7 Update

Well, boys, you got a week off from my witty banter, but play time is over and I'm back in the saddle. There will be NO Bears update this week because every time I think back on the game, I end up feeling like this cat! I'm just not quite sure which is the best way too go yet.! Guys, that is Cedric Benson back there....not Barry Sanders! Tackle him! And while you are at it....how about a DB that can cover something other than a post-game buffet!!!! The Vikes lose and the Bears make up NO ground! I guess there won't be much to look forward to come February other than post-season fantasy leagues! Fucking embarrassing!!!!
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In our first game of the week, the Mighty Utes got a much needed "W" over the recently angry and slightly hypertensive DewDriver. This game got way too close on Monday night as DeSean Jackson ran wild all over the Skins as Westbrook did his best Jack-O imitation (I think he's asleep...No, I think he's dead!) halfway through the 1st quarter and had to call it a night. Team Utah was able to hang on for the victory because of massive days from Harvin (kick away from that dude!), Benson (tackle that dude!), Owen Daniels (cover that dude!), and the SD defense (block those dudes!). Driver wasted monster games from the Jackson 2 (DeSean and Vincent), AD, and Grant (That guy still plays? Apparently only against Cleveland....Good news, Forte owners!) as Shaun Hill got the dreaded hook at halftime after posting only 3.7 pts and Ryan Succop (pronounced Suck-Up...seriously!) came up with the Golden Doughnut. I believe Succop is an old German name that was changed from Suckencock when his family came to America from the old country. Shoulda stuck with the old one! Hey Andy, what's with using a kicker that scores zero pts? Were Mort Anderson, Kevin Butler, and Scott Norwood not available on the waiver wire? A KC kicker? Man, 4+ pts from a kicker really would've come in handy!

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The Burner got burned by Jason Campbell (lots of creativity in that name!) in our second battle. Nobody on Styx's team showed evidence of a pulse besides Sproles' blowout-fueled 20 pts. Bulger totalled 5 points? Did he play the full game? Yep. Did he get hurt? Nope. Does he really, really blow? Yep!!!! Bulger, Moss, Boldin, and Mendenhallall failed to break 10 points this week....that is the biggest collection of losers since Vinny Mac tried to force feed us all a football league. Are you ready for the XFL???? Uh....No.
Team Campbell cruised to a win despite more disappointing tallies from Larry Johnson and Matt Forte.....Hey Larry, how about a little more running and a little less Twittering???? The star of the Campbell RB committee turned out to be Ricky Williams as he ripped off a Tour-De-Force against the Saints and came away with 30 pts. Was that Ricky Williams out there or Ricky Bobby? "I'm Ricky Williams. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you!"

Easy Rick...pass me a stick of that cinnamon freshness!
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In the third matchup, Brandon Jacobs (nice name, how'd you come up with that?) pummeled mb3 as Bobby got big days from nearly everyone on his squad including the Pitt defense and Mike Wallace. Mike Wallace???? How did that guy go from an anchor on 60 Minutes to a 17 pt WR for the Steelers? That dude has got some range!
Sweat, meanwhile, failed to field a second QB, got 8.1 pts or less from seven of his players, and had a high scorer that put up 14.6 pts. Welcome back to the sewers mb3, we barely noticed you had left! (How the fuck did I lose to this guy????) This game reminded me of the 2001 Little League World Series and Bobby was playing the part of Danny Almonte! Sure you're only 12 years old, Bobby!........No more time needs to be wasted on this beat down.
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Sunto rocketed himself into the #1 slot with his solid victory over Cadillacin'. Ahmad Bradshaw (sweet team name!) was helped to the top spot with impressive scores from Rivers, Hester (Hey, the Bears had somebody that scored this Sunday? Must've been after I switched the game off halfway through the 3rd!), the Philly D, and "Click-Clack" Vernon Davis who took advantage of the Alex Smith experiment for 3 TDs. Note to the Houston defense: Cover the guy running down the middle of the field with the flowing dreads and the 24'' guns! I know, I know...he's easy to miss!
Robert could get nothing going this week (or this season...but there's always the Toilet Bowl) as only three of his guys scored more than 10 pts and one of them was Danny Amendola. Who? What? You could've given me 100 guesses on a guy named Danny that would've scored 20+ points this week and I would've guessed Danyy Bonaduece, Danny DeVito, and Danny Woods before Amendola! Don't act like you don't know who Danny Woods is, Sean. NKOTB! Hey, Robert, you might want to adjust your draft strategy next year, because this years' was worse than cheese-in-a-can!

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Chris was able to suck less than Wes in their matchup as both teams struggled to score this week. Team Bulldogs had two WRs bitten by the injury bug during their games in Andre Johnson and Bernard Berrian who both had to leave early. This, however, was still sufficient for a 131-117 win as the Pat White lead Rug Drs. suckled at the teet of fuck-awfulness! Wes, your team is the Cousin Oliver of this league. As soon as that dude showed up, you knew that show was less than a season away from getting cancelled! I don't want to tell you your business, Wes, but if you are still looking for a Halloween costume, I think you bare a bit of resemblance to the little dude from the Brady Bunch!
Chris' usually consistent squad morphed into an evil version of itself as everyone fell short of their projected scores except DeAngelo and Colston. His team this week kinda reminded me of when Michael Knight's evil twin appeared on Knight Rider. Hey!...that's still Team Bulldogs...somebody just slapped a cheap, fake mustache on it! Pull that thing off your face, Chris, and jump back into KITT. You've got games to win!
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And then we come to our last tilt......Ladies and Gentlemen.......A new all-time high score has been achieved! It came courtesy of Chris Johnson (very original name...I like it) as Sean plastered a 110 point victory over Kos! How do you score 242 points, you ask? How about two QBs that totalled 90 combined, a WR that nearly had 30, a WR that nearly had 40, a RB and a DEF that get 25 each, and a kicker that hits 14! If not for two of his guys leaving injured, Sean may have put up an unreachable stat line, but the 242 was much-too-much for Kos' overmatched squad.
Kos' team surrendered the league lead, as The Joshua Cribbs Project failed to launch and Chris Cooley found it more entertaining to use his foot as a pin wheel than play the second half of the Monday night's game. And what's with LT? How many unsuccessful shots are you allowed at a goal line TD before they take away your NFLPA card????
Kos had been bullying teams around with his stockpile of QBs and middling RBs, but that was before he ran into Sean's larger stockpile and better RBs. Kind of reminded me of a movie that I saw recently...what do you think? (Scene starts at 2:20 with the Kos brothers standing on the corner bullying a weaker fantasy team, played by Robert)

via videosift.com
Kos: What the fuck are you looking at old man? Huh?
Sean: What the hell are you Kos' up to?
Kos: You'd better get you ass on, honky, while I still let you. That's what you'd better do.
Sean: Ever noticed how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me!
Kos: You fucking crazy man. Get outta here, man.
Kos2: Why don't you get your ass up outta here before I kick your old, wrinkly, white ass!
Kos3: What? Motherfucker's crazy. What in the hell?
Sean (To Robert): Get in the truck.
Kos: This crazy motherfucker, man. What's wrong with him, man? He pulled his finger at us.
Kos: Shit! Hey, pops, come on now!
Sean: Shut your fucking face! Fucking don't listen, do ya? (To Robert) Now, get in the truck.
Wes: Way to go, old man!
Sean: Shut up, pussy. What is all this, "bro" shit anyway? You wanna be super-Kos or something? These guys don't wanna be your bro and I don't blame them. Get your old-fake patty ass down the road.
Sean (To the Kos'): Take care now.
Kos: You too.
Sean: Oh, yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!!!!!
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Well, that's it for this week, boys. There are some important weeks on the horizon as no team has pulled away from the pack and every team still has a shot at the playoffs, so keep your teams on point. I'm outta here like Leon "Boom-Boom" Washington. Duuuuuude, is that your leg coming out of your leg???? Somebody get that guy a beer and a shot! No, not of whiskey. Of morphine!!!!