go with another week of action, gents. Not too much happening this weekend as the Bears took their bye week and watched from home as the Vikes won yet another game...that old dude sure is gonna make it tough to win the NFC North. No...not THAT old dude! Nolte, get back to the bar and order me another Maker's! I told you I wouldn't be gone long! Anyways..........the Bears quest for the playoffs will have to go through the Twin Cities. Hopefully by then Favre will be back to
throwing up INTs like this guy..............Styx, what happened to your shirt????? Oh well...Let's
get back to some football, shall we? Here's how things looked from where I sat.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In out first matchup, Sweat quelled all talks about contraction as his squad hit the matchup lottery and finally hit on all cylinders this weekend (minus Hixon who probably shouldn't be started going forward as he is about the 12th option in that off
ense). Big days were had from Larry (Fitz), Mo (Lynch), and Curly (Ward) against their weaker counterparts. Clinton Portis, on the oth
er hand, cared little that he was running into the teeth of a once formidable defense and went off for 24 points of his own. (Damn....what's wring with Clinton Portis? That cat has some identity issues!)Sweat's big day was met with opposition from Team Utah whose squad finished just about where it was supposed to with one glaring weakness. How does a team's only credible WR get suspended for a game without anyone finding out about the suspension until nearly game time? Mike Sims-Walker was told to show up to the game in civvies for a violation of the team's itinerary???? How does that happen? Did he miss the buffet? Did he checkou
t AFTER 11:00? Did he 
forget to put the "Do Not Disturb" sign back inside the room? Hey, Mike, I've got an extra alarm clock here at the house! I'll send it to you! And I know you're rolling with a phone that has alerts....learn how to set them! Well, all of this business lets me know one thing. DO NOT fuck with Jack Del Rio....or it will cost you a fantasy weekend! Jack, you probably could've used Mike in that pounding that you guys took this Sunday! Did I say "Jack"? I meant "Mr. Del Rio"!-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the second game, there was a battle between the former (and possibly future) Vice Cops as Don broug
ht home a victory over Chris. Don suddenly got huge production from two thus-far underachieving WRs, Burleson and White (sounds like a furniture store, doesn't it?). Read the ad out loud quickly!.....now wait for it...
...hilarious!The win helped move Don into the middle of the pack and brought his record up to 2-3. Chris, meanwhile, dropped to 2-3 as he couldn't take advantage of heavy loads (I believe that "Heavy Loads" is a website that Don has bookmarked!....I call the one in the pink!) from McNabb and Addai because the RB
duo of DeAngelo Williams and Mewelde Moore grossly underproduced despite tasty matchups. Chris, I'm thinking maybe you should rename your team "Crystal Pepsi" because that was one huge flop!!!!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the third game of the week, Kos improved to 4-1 with a win over Robert. The loss sent Robert to 1-4 and right into the basement as his lack of QB strength once again plag
ued him as Manning gunned for 43, but Kyle Boller could only muster 10 pts. The QB situation was, however, overshadowed by SUCK-tacular performances by Cotchery and Mason who managed just .9 pts combined, and a keeper in Cadillac that scored 5. I'm not sure Robert, but you might want to check you rear axles because I believe your wheels are falling off!
On Kos' side, he was able to overcome shit days from Cooley and McGahee with mammoth QB outings from Ryan and Hasselbeck who scored almost half of his team's points with 82 points between them. Add that to big totals from "TJ MCKay and his best friend Ray" (sorry if you aren't familiar with 80's TV) and you had a 40 point laugher. And speaking of laughing, I overheard Kos telling Robert a joke on Sunday and thought that I would share it with all of you....Kos: Robert, there's a new joke going around. Have you heard it?....What did the five fingers say to the face?
Robert: What?
Kos: SLAP! Coooooold Blooooooded! Bang, Bang! I'm Jason Kos, bitch! Everybody...King Kong ain't got shit on me!
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And then there was this ass-fest. The NFL gave us a 6-3 game between Buffalo and
Cleveland this wee
k.....and the Bearbackers league gave us Wes vs. Andy. In the famous words of Sir Charles Barkley, this contest was Turr-i-Bull. Neither team came within 26 pts of the next lowest score in the league! I mean, come on, guys. This is fantasy football....it's so easy, a caveman could do it. Andy had four guys that scored 1.4 pts OR LESS and Wes had eight guys that didn't break out of 
single digits! I can't spend much time on this abortion...all I know is that Yahoo! allowing you two to play each other and awarding one of you a win was a worse idea than "Spray-On Hair"!!!! Although, I guess that stuff could at least help society out a little bit. Right, Sean? Wes? Chris? Peters? Oops, wrong league for that last one!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We get awa
y from that JV game and head over to where the varsity was playing as Sean and Bobby both a solid days with Sean coming away with the Victoooooooryyyyyyy, Johnny Drama-style! (If you don't watch Entourage, you should have your man-card yanked from you this very second!) Both teams went to 
2-3 after this match and helped contribute to the log jam in the middle of the league. There were very few people to blame on Bobby's squad as Jake and Josh (I think that's a show on Nickelodeon!) produced at QB (that may never happen again!) and Brandon Marshall used those "Sugar Daddy" throwback uniforms to hyponitize the New England DBs and bring home a 23 spot. Bobby could've hoped for more production from his RBs, but Jacobs was playing OAK and sat for most of the 2nd half and Freddie Jackson is now playing second fiddle to "Grill Piece" Lynch.Sean used the Romo to Austin connection to stockpile points (Romo really shouldn't get the points for those 8-yeard outs that Austin turned into long TDs!) and help to compensate for hugely disappointing days from Chris Johnson (change that team name!) and the NYJ defense (Beware the WildCat!). And another big total came for much-maligned and oft-taunted Braylon Edwards who used a relocation and the Cotchery injury to FINALLY post a respectable point total! Maybe B.E. just needed out of Cleveland. But why would he want to leave such a paradise? Maybe it has to do with the struggling economy and the fact that they are now forced to skimp on their tourism budget....what do you think?
Anybody want to help me pack?????
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In out la
st matchup, Sunto smacked Styx right across the face with his junk and gave Styx the biggest purple mushroom of all time (if you are unfamiliar...check out urbandictionary.com)! Styx was again forced to use Mick Vick at QB (is Bobby the only Coker that understands the 2 QB system?) and got dumped on by Moss and Holmes, nullifying electric days from Big Ben and Burner Turner. Styx, that is NOT a playoff quality team and I don't think Bulger is gonna help matters...better take a few minutes to sit down and hash out some trades before you end up down with Robert!Sunto breezed right past down days from Megatron and Britt because Cassel...Blew Up, Orton...Blew Up, Ronnie Brown...Blew Up, Bradshaw...Blew Up. I'm seeing a pattern here! How is Sunto suddenly a contender in just his second year of fantasy football, you wonder? Well, the answer is inspiration....all it took was some inspirational words from the head of the league and his lacky and Sunto was on his way to mastering this fantasy football concept and becoming a major player. I will replay the conversation for those of you that may be looking for a lift in your own life! (Starts at :23 seconds)
Utah: Sunto, don't talk that way.
Sean: You're so money and you don't even know it
Utah: That's what I've been trying to tell you, you're so money.
Sunto: Could you not mess with me right now?
Utah: Sunto, we're not messing with you!
Sean: We're not!
Utah: You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws...with fangs.
Sean: Big fucking teeth, Sunto.
Utah: Big fucking teeth on ya. And Styx is just like this little bunny who's just kinds cowering in the corner.
Sean: Shivering!
Utah: Yeah, Sunto, just kind of...you know you've got these claws and you're staring at these claws. And you're thinking to yourself....with these claws, you're thinking...man, how am I suppossed to kill Styx?
Sean: You're poking at it, you're poking at it.
Utah: No, you're not hurtin' it. You're just kinda battin' Styx around. You know what I mean. And Styx is scared, Sunto. Styx is scared of you. Shivering.
Sean: And you got these fucking claws and fangs!
Utah: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs. And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs and you're thinkin' to yourself, "I don't know what to do, man." I don't know how to kill the Styx. With this you don't know how to kill the Styx! Do you know what I mean?
Sean: You're like a big bear, Sunto!
Sunto: So you're not just like fuckin' with me?
Utah: No, I'm not fuckin' with ya.
Sean: Honestly!
Utah: Sunto, I'm tellin' ya, you're money!
Sean: You're so fuckin' money!
Utah: Alright, now I want you to go over to that Styx and I want you to beat him!
Sean: You're money!
Utah: Come here a second. Listen to me. Now look it....when you go up to beat him,man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know? The guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from, ok? You're a bad man. You're a bad man. You're a bad man. Bad man.
Utah is available for motivational speeches if anyone else is interested!
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Well, that's it for this week, boys. The standings are gonna hit a critical point in the next few weeks as most of the teams are sitting right in the middle thus far. Make sure you have your ducks in a row and plans are set for the upcoming weeks. I'll see you all again next week. I'm out of here like Stafon Johnson is out of the hospital. Dude, clear your throat....I can't understand a word you are saying!
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