tah's end. The Bears came through in the second half (after an inspiring acrobatic routine by Cutler) to send the Lions back to t
he Motor City as losers. But waiting back there in Detroit were my Tigers who, after leading the AL Central for nearly the entire season, allowed the Twins to pull into a tie and force a one-game playoff on Tuesday (in Minnesota!!!!) for the rights to get into the playoffs. You are breaking my heart, Kittens. You know you are terrible in the Metro-dome! Utah may be unreachable for a few days if the boys go down Tuesday night, gentleman, so don't be surprised by a leave-of-absence from the commish in order to regain proper mental health! Anyways, back to football. Here's how things looked from where I sat....-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweat on
ce again cranked the suck-o-meter up to 10 in his weekly quest to score 100 pts or less. You've heard it all before....Joey Galloway plays even though he is inactive, LeRon McClain makes the starting lineup even though he is a fullback and Willis scores ALL of Baltimore's TDs, Trent Edwards go all "Trent Edwards" on the Fins and manages to only put up 16 pts. Bl
ah, blah, blah...this team is bad with a capital SUCK. The Commish may have to make like MLB and step in to think about some contraction if things don't get any better! Could Sweat be going the way of the Marlins or Blue Jays if Bud Selig has anything to say about it?...Stay tuned!Chris was able to score this contest a victory with mediocre days from most of his squad and big games from Wacko Joe Flacco and Antonio Gates. Gates turned the Steel Curtain defense into the Chiffon Scarf defense (hey....Becks thinks it's cool!) in the second half Sunday night and brought home over a quarter of Sweat's total points (28 pts)! But what made this matchup interesting was that Chris was able to win even though he used BRADY QUINN as his second QB! Quinn was benched earlier in the week and never even sniffed the field in the Browns game. So why waste a waiver pick on a QB replacement in a week where only one is needed for a "W"???? Interesting strategy, Chris. And believe me, one that the Commish was paying very close attention to!
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Pop Quiz: You are a top-15 pre-season WR...You have been almost non-existent so far this season and choose to blame your crappy team for your failures...You go catch-less in an
overtime thriller with you hated rivals from the same state...What do you do that Sunday night???? Do you:A) Hit the weight room.
B) Study film in hopes of picking up on your weaknesses and try to improve upon them.
C) Go clubbing and cap the night off by punching a 130-lb club promoter in the face that just so happens to be a close personal friend of the favorite son (LeBron James) of the city that you play in????
If you answered C), then you are absolutely correct! That's how Cleveland Brown and every-week staple in Sean's lineup, Braylon Edwards goes about improving his game! Nice play, B.E.! If that's what you get to do when you post a huge "0" in the points column, what does Roy Williams get to do with his 5 points? Kick Grady Sizemore's dog in the nuts????? Oh, Braylon....we barely knew ya!
Sean had a lack-
luster day from almost his entire squad (minus Super Steve Smith.....no, not that Steve Smith!) and was able to be beaten by Styx who also used the "Second QB...I don't need no stinkin' second QB" strategy as Pat White got the starting nod and posted a robust .1 pts! (Doesn't he sing vocals for the White Stripes?) Anyways, Mendenhall (44 pts) and Roethlisberger (39 pts) had monster nights for Stumps as he shocked Sean to cruise to 3-1. Might want to think about a third QB, though, at some point Jeffery. We don't all give away mercy wins like you got this week!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team Campbell had another rough week to fall to 1-3. The boys from the Miami DEF and Pretty Ricky Williams basked in the glory of the South Florida sunshine and broug
ht their "A" games with them to the tune of 28 and 19 points. Unfortunately for Don, his QBs fell back to earth and crashed-and-burned upon re-entry. The team's namesake could do very little (outside of a deep pass to Moss...double dip for Don) against a battered TB team struggling to find its' identity, and Mark Sanchez discovered that maybe this NFL thing can get a little messy as the New Orleans defense delivered a 4.22 point "Dirty Sanchez" to the NYJ QB....how's that taste, rookie?Andy, on the other hand, needed 40 points going into Monday night, but had plenty of guns available to pull off the task. The combo of Favre, ADP, and Grant helped Andy recover from a somewhat sluggish start to his fantasy week and sent him dancing into the night with some Monday night magic. Oddly enough, it just so happens that Utah was able to procure a video of that very event...enjoy Andy's victory dance!
Dude....we could've done without the sideways shots!!!!
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Kos got the best (and worst) of Bobby in their matchup this week as Bobby obviously had Carolina on his mind during the draft and was without 3 players as the Panthers took their bye week. Things aren't looking any better this week , Bobby, because Brees takes his week off and your QBs will now be Delhomme and Seneca Wallace. Better hope that rainy Seattle weather keeps Hasselbeck "under the weather", but judging by the rest of your team, the QB situation is the least of your worries. Nobody wins while starting the one-play wonder, Brandon Stokley. That cat has only caught six balls all season and one was for 87 and a TD on a fluke bounce. That guy shouldn't be in anyone's lineup at all. That being said....damn, did that catch look cool in Tecmo-vision!
Kos managed to overcome so-so days by most of his team with a stro
ng outing from Rod
gers, a gimme-game for Slaton against Oakland, and a return-yardage bonanza from Josh Cribbs as the Bengals kicked the ball away 90 times. But what's to become of D-Mac and his 1.9 pts, Kos? Because he and his team D-Blow and now his knee is D-U-N! I haven't seen something with that much hype fall that fast since the inventions of the Arch-Deluxe and Olestra! Man....my ass still hurt from those two fiascoes!!!!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the next to last matchup, it was Sunto going "high score of the week" all over the Utes.
Disappointing days from Schaub (who only had to play a little over 2 quarters in a rout against Oakland) and Ced Benson (big day against Pittsburgh, but nothing against Cleveland????) overshadowed big totals from free agent sensations Jerome Harrison (yes
, I did see that coming!) and Mike Sims-"JJ" Walker. Things were not so dyno-no-mite in Camp Utah this week but a bounce back is surely on the horizon.How did Sunto beat a team as well put together and as soundly run as Johnny Utah's? Let's examine...Well, Rivers and Cassel (Sunto, you should really pick up Ryan Moats...if I could use Rivers, Cassel, and Moats in an update, it would kill!) both had good fantasy day without having great real games, Megatron made up for the injury shortened day for Hester, and Ronnie Brown ran around Miami like was
Tony Montana. "Fuck T. O.! And fuck the Buffalo Bills! Fuck 'em all! I bury those cock-a-roaches!" But the big day for Sunto came as the New Orleans defense celebrated like it was Mardi Gras and treated the formerly undefeated Jets like some drunken skank on Bourbon Street that would do just about anything for that $2 string of beads that you were holding ransom like it was the last morsel of edible food on a deserted island. What would she do for those beads?.................................................................................. But then what do you do with her? I guess fuck her hard and then send her back to New York just like the Saints did to Rex Ryan and Sunto did to the Utes! 2-2 never felt so regrettable! Damn you, Sunto. Not even a reach-around????------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In our final tilt of the week, Robert looked like he had his contest with Wes well in hand after solid days from his entire squad lead by the golden arm of the eldest Manning brother...no, I guess that would be Cooper....the middle Manning brother. But alas, poor planning and questionable drafting lead Robert to the use of Kyle Boller as his 2nd QB and Wes stormed onto the scene with David Garrard, Jacoby Jones, and Pierre Thomas like Jules in Pulp Fiction and gave Robert a lesson in fantasy football (starts at 0:28)...................
Wes: My name's Wes, and your ass ain't talkin' your away outta this shit.
Robert: I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so fucked up
with us and Mr. Hall. We got into this thing with the best intentions...
Wes: Oh, I'm sorry. Did Ibreak your concentration? I didn't mean to do
that. Please, continue. You were saying something about
"best intentions"? What's a matter? Oh, you were finished?
Well, allow me to retort. What does Wes Hall look like?
Robert: What?
Wes: What country you from?
Robert: What?
Wes: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What?"
Robert: What?
Wes: English-motherfucker-do-you-speak-it?
Robert: Yes.
Wes: Then you know what I'm sayin'?
Robert: Yes.
Wes: Describe what Wes Hall looks like!
Robert: What?
Wes: Say "What" again! Say "What" again! I dare ya, I double
dare ya motherfucker! Say "What" one more goddamn time!
Robert: Well he's ...he's...white --
Wes: -- go on!
Robert: ...and he's...he's...tall --
Wes: -- does he look like a bitch?
Robert: What?
Wes: Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!
Robert: No.
Wes: Then why did you try to fuck him like a bitch, Robert?!
Robert: I didn't.
Wes: Yes you did! Yes you did, Robert. Ya tried ta fuck him. And Wes Hall don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Hall. You read the Bible, Robert?
Robert: Yes.
Wes: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this
situation: Utah 25:17.
"The path of the righteous fantasy football
manager is beset on all sides by the inequities of the
2 quarterback system and the tyranny of evil waiver pickups.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will,
shepherds the wide receivers through the valley of darkness,
for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder
of lost free agents. And I will strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy
my running backs. And you will know my name is the Rug Doctor when
I lay my vengeance upon thee!"
Seems like a pretty hard way to go, Wes, but I guess you got your point across, huh?
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Well, boys, that a wrap on Week 4. The bye weeks continue as the position battles for the playoff spots begin in earnest. There's a long way to go in the season, gents, and the playoffs can't be won in the next four weeks...but they can be lost! Get your team right.
That's it for now, men. I'm outta here like The Detroit Tigers in the 12th......bases loaded with one out and nobody crosses the plate!?!? Damn!
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