Week 7 Update

Well, boys, you got a week off from my witty banter, but play time is over and I'm back in the saddle. There will be NO Bears update this week because every time I think back on the game, I end up feeling like this cat! I'm just not quite sure which is the best way too go yet.! Guys, that is Cedric Benson back there....not Barry Sanders! Tackle him! And while you are at it....how about a DB that can cover something other than a post-game buffet!!!! The Vikes lose and the Bears make up NO ground! I guess there won't be much to look forward to come February other than post-season fantasy leagues! Fucking embarrassing!!!!
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In our first game of the week, the Mighty Utes got a much needed "W" over the recently angry and slightly hypertensive DewDriver. This game got way too close on Monday night as DeSean Jackson ran wild all over the Skins as Westbrook did his best Jack-O imitation (I think he's asleep...No, I think he's dead!) halfway through the 1st quarter and had to call it a night. Team Utah was able to hang on for the victory because of massive days from Harvin (kick away from that dude!), Benson (tackle that dude!), Owen Daniels (cover that dude!), and the SD defense (block those dudes!). Driver wasted monster games from the Jackson 2 (DeSean and Vincent), AD, and Grant (That guy still plays? Apparently only against Cleveland....Good news, Forte owners!) as Shaun Hill got the dreaded hook at halftime after posting only 3.7 pts and Ryan Succop (pronounced Suck-Up...seriously!) came up with the Golden Doughnut. I believe Succop is an old German name that was changed from Suckencock when his family came to America from the old country. Shoulda stuck with the old one! Hey Andy, what's with using a kicker that scores zero pts? Were Mort Anderson, Kevin Butler, and Scott Norwood not available on the waiver wire? A KC kicker? Man, 4+ pts from a kicker really would've come in handy!

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The Burner got burned by Jason Campbell (lots of creativity in that name!) in our second battle. Nobody on Styx's team showed evidence of a pulse besides Sproles' blowout-fueled 20 pts. Bulger totalled 5 points? Did he play the full game? Yep. Did he get hurt? Nope. Does he really, really blow? Yep!!!! Bulger, Moss, Boldin, and Mendenhallall failed to break 10 points this week....that is the biggest collection of losers since Vinny Mac tried to force feed us all a football league. Are you ready for the XFL???? Uh....No.
Team Campbell cruised to a win despite more disappointing tallies from Larry Johnson and Matt Forte.....Hey Larry, how about a little more running and a little less Twittering???? The star of the Campbell RB committee turned out to be Ricky Williams as he ripped off a Tour-De-Force against the Saints and came away with 30 pts. Was that Ricky Williams out there or Ricky Bobby? "I'm Ricky Williams. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you!"

Easy Rick...pass me a stick of that cinnamon freshness!
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In the third matchup, Brandon Jacobs (nice name, how'd you come up with that?) pummeled mb3 as Bobby got big days from nearly everyone on his squad including the Pitt defense and Mike Wallace. Mike Wallace???? How did that guy go from an anchor on 60 Minutes to a 17 pt WR for the Steelers? That dude has got some range!
Sweat, meanwhile, failed to field a second QB, got 8.1 pts or less from seven of his players, and had a high scorer that put up 14.6 pts. Welcome back to the sewers mb3, we barely noticed you had left! (How the fuck did I lose to this guy????) This game reminded me of the 2001 Little League World Series and Bobby was playing the part of Danny Almonte! Sure you're only 12 years old, Bobby!........No more time needs to be wasted on this beat down.
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Sunto rocketed himself into the #1 slot with his solid victory over Cadillacin'. Ahmad Bradshaw (sweet team name!) was helped to the top spot with impressive scores from Rivers, Hester (Hey, the Bears had somebody that scored this Sunday? Must've been after I switched the game off halfway through the 3rd!), the Philly D, and "Click-Clack" Vernon Davis who took advantage of the Alex Smith experiment for 3 TDs. Note to the Houston defense: Cover the guy running down the middle of the field with the flowing dreads and the 24'' guns! I know, I know...he's easy to miss!
Robert could get nothing going this week (or this season...but there's always the Toilet Bowl) as only three of his guys scored more than 10 pts and one of them was Danny Amendola. Who? What? You could've given me 100 guesses on a guy named Danny that would've scored 20+ points this week and I would've guessed Danyy Bonaduece, Danny DeVito, and Danny Woods before Amendola! Don't act like you don't know who Danny Woods is, Sean. NKOTB! Hey, Robert, you might want to adjust your draft strategy next year, because this years' was worse than cheese-in-a-can!

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Chris was able to suck less than Wes in their matchup as both teams struggled to score this week. Team Bulldogs had two WRs bitten by the injury bug during their games in Andre Johnson and Bernard Berrian who both had to leave early. This, however, was still sufficient for a 131-117 win as the Pat White lead Rug Drs. suckled at the teet of fuck-awfulness! Wes, your team is the Cousin Oliver of this league. As soon as that dude showed up, you knew that show was less than a season away from getting cancelled! I don't want to tell you your business, Wes, but if you are still looking for a Halloween costume, I think you bare a bit of resemblance to the little dude from the Brady Bunch!
Chris' usually consistent squad morphed into an evil version of itself as everyone fell short of their projected scores except DeAngelo and Colston. His team this week kinda reminded me of when Michael Knight's evil twin appeared on Knight Rider. Hey!...that's still Team Bulldogs...somebody just slapped a cheap, fake mustache on it! Pull that thing off your face, Chris, and jump back into KITT. You've got games to win!
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And then we come to our last tilt......Ladies and Gentlemen.......A new all-time high score has been achieved! It came courtesy of Chris Johnson (very original name...I like it) as Sean plastered a 110 point victory over Kos! How do you score 242 points, you ask? How about two QBs that totalled 90 combined, a WR that nearly had 30, a WR that nearly had 40, a RB and a DEF that get 25 each, and a kicker that hits 14! If not for two of his guys leaving injured, Sean may have put up an unreachable stat line, but the 242 was much-too-much for Kos' overmatched squad.
Kos' team surrendered the league lead, as The Joshua Cribbs Project failed to launch and Chris Cooley found it more entertaining to use his foot as a pin wheel than play the second half of the Monday night's game. And what's with LT? How many unsuccessful shots are you allowed at a goal line TD before they take away your NFLPA card????
Kos had been bullying teams around with his stockpile of QBs and middling RBs, but that was before he ran into Sean's larger stockpile and better RBs. Kind of reminded me of a movie that I saw recently...what do you think? (Scene starts at 2:20 with the Kos brothers standing on the corner bullying a weaker fantasy team, played by Robert)

via videosift.com
Kos: What the fuck are you looking at old man? Huh?
Sean: What the hell are you Kos' up to?
Kos: You'd better get you ass on, honky, while I still let you. That's what you'd better do.
Sean: Ever noticed how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me!
Kos: You fucking crazy man. Get outta here, man.
Kos2: Why don't you get your ass up outta here before I kick your old, wrinkly, white ass!
Kos3: What? Motherfucker's crazy. What in the hell?
Sean (To Robert): Get in the truck.
Kos: This crazy motherfucker, man. What's wrong with him, man? He pulled his finger at us.
Kos: Shit! Hey, pops, come on now!
Sean: Shut your fucking face! Fucking don't listen, do ya? (To Robert) Now, get in the truck.
Wes: Way to go, old man!
Sean: Shut up, pussy. What is all this, "bro" shit anyway? You wanna be super-Kos or something? These guys don't wanna be your bro and I don't blame them. Get your old-fake patty ass down the road.
Sean (To the Kos'): Take care now.
Kos: You too.
Sean: Oh, yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!!!!!
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Well, that's it for this week, boys. There are some important weeks on the horizon as no team has pulled away from the pack and every team still has a shot at the playoffs, so keep your teams on point. I'm outta here like Leon "Boom-Boom" Washington. Duuuuuude, is that your leg coming out of your leg???? Somebody get that guy a beer and a shot! No, not of whiskey. Of morphine!!!!

Week 6 Update

Hello Bearbackers. I've got the hammer now and I'm coming OUT swinging! KING SLLEW must be too busy in the concrete jungle of Toledo shooting pepper balls at patrons walking out of the local dance club to write this blog. It has been brought to my attention Sllew is filming a commercial for a fast food company to introduce the new Fantasy Football Guru's skinless, fatless, bunless, greaseless, condiment free, protein filled, 9 calorie chicken niblet. Here is a shot of Sllew from the filming of this commercial.

On to the matchups!

In the first matchup Styx, getting a combined total of .8 from the trio of Vick (-.2), Brown (1) and Clark (bye week 0), beat Sweat by almost 60pts. This coming off of Sweat's highest point total of the season. Styx, just think if this league only started 1 QB? Sweat once again your team blows. Let me wrap up this matchup by giving you all my take on the situation of Styx's starting roster scoring that many points with the 3 players I mentioned earlier and Sweats team in general by quoting the words of Keshawn Johnson "C'Mon Man!"

In the second matchup the former 1st place Ahmad Bradshaw (change that name!) was kicked in the nuts by Team Brandon Jacobs and Team Carnell Williams. Can't you guys find a clever nickname? Brandon Jacobs winning with a combo of The Strong Arm of Fantasy Law Drew "poopy face" Brees and recently stolen....I mean aquired Thomas (40.10) Jones. I think this could be Ahmad Bradshaws fall from grace! I predict the title of this song will represent the rest of Bradshaw's season.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URGvArH75eM&feature=related

Onto the third matchup. Team That Guy posted a narrow victory over team Rug Dr. How in the hell does a team lose when they have the vaunted Brady/Welker combo scoring 102.45pts. Heres how, the rest of your team looks like this.

Lets anylize this pic.

You have a few sprinkling of corn which is good. Corn represents Pierre Thomas and Greg Jennings. The rest of your team is just........................>

We press on to the 4th matchup. I can't believe I have wasted this much time on a blog Chris Johnson went up against Carnell Williams. Chris Johnson having a sub par day from his team came away with the victory. No player on either team had a standout game. Was the victory a gift from Santa Clause...nope. It was a gift from Team Carnell Williams! I appreciate you trading Thomas Jones before the matchup. The trade of Thomas Jones for Josh Johnson/Fred Jackson did not pay off for team Williams. That trade would go down with some of the "great" trades in sports history. Lets look at a few.

Falcons trade Brett Favre to the Packers for a first round pick? 15 years later still a sweet move!

Mavericks trade Robert "Tractor" Traylor to Milwaukee for Dirk Nowitzki

Things that make you go HMMMMMM.......

Last but not least in 1996 the Charlotte Hornets got a steal when they sent Kobe Bryant to L.A. for the Laker's Vlade Divacs and a pack of smokes.

Great Managers think alike! Right Robert



In the fifth matchup Team Bulldog's draft day trades finally pan OUT. It just happens to be on the same day he was matched up against the players he traded away A. Peterson/R. Grant. With both A. Johnson and M. Colston having great days along with the rest of team Bulldogs scored over 200pts. Drew, scrambling for the infamous 2nd qb, made a trade for Culpepper before the matchup. 1.42pts. Wow.Bulldogs beating Dewdiver has put a log jam in the middle of the standings with 6 teams at 3-3.

Now for the sixth and final matchup. Team Utah against Team Jason Campbell. Side note: Team Campbell I appreciate you wasting your #1 waiver wire pickup on the Colts D.

Even with Percy Harvin's shoulder being as durable as Sam Bradfords' Team Utah more than doubled Team Campbell's point total. Team Utah scored another 200+ point total. This was lead by Matt Schaub throwing bombs like Sllew throws down jaeger bombs at a club. Here's the video of Sllew on Sunday.

Scene: Sllew starting off his day in the bathroom.

Sllew: Ahh I was out in Toledo last night trying to hit on some 18yr. olds. Ahh I got my self a prom date.

Scene: Sllew thinking about himself at the club: Hey Broskie 2 Heinekens

Sllew: Hey Team Campbell you want a shot at the title? Betta make sure you're ready.

Scene: Sllew showing off his new haircut.

Sllew: You know what that means? I'm kicking Campbell's pussy team with my new haircut. My boys they're coming out with their new haircuts. Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Mike Sims-Walker, Steve Breaston, Brian Westbrook, Owen Daniels and Time Hightower all have new haircuts. They're kicken' Campbell's pussy team.

Sllew: I'm grinding up on all pussy fantasy football teams this season.

Sllew: You bitches love me and my fantasy football team. If not, f'n skanks! f'n skanks! f'n skanks.

Sllew talkin' to some chick: Ya this collar is popped because my fantasy football team is the shit! Everyone should know it. I swear to God if anyone looks at my fantasy football team in a wrong way I am going to start a fight. You f'n looking at my team?

Sllew 1pm on Sunday: 1:25 on video.

Sllew: it's gamtime! Don't bother me I'm in the zone.

Scene: Sllew looking at himself in the mirror.

Sllew: I'm the f'n man. Huhhhh! Ya I take roids, i'm the man. I'm in control baby.

Scene 1:52 on the video.

Sllew: ya I need to get my swell on, I'm jacked and everyone should see how tan I am.

Scene: Sllew talking about his team.

Sllew: 2:15 on video: I'll throw OUT Schaub bombs and Cutler Bombs all frickin' day. F'n schaub bomb, f'n Cutler bomb! I like to jerk off in the shower thinkin' about it! F'n Schaub Bomb, f'n Cutler bomb, f'n Schaub bomb!

Sllew: SCHAUB BOMB.

Man that never gets old.

This brings an end to week 6. Most teams are still in the playoff hunt. Sorry Team Campbell and Team Williams. Although I enjoyed doing this blog it is a pain in the ass. I will leave this blogging crap to the pros and to Sllew. Next week we will once again get to hear Sllew talk about how great he is but until then I leave you with this. " A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."

Week 5 Update

Here we go with another week of action, gents. Not too much happening this weekend as the Bears took their bye week and watched from home as the Vikes won yet another game...that old dude sure is gonna make it tough to win the NFC North. No...not THAT old dude! Nolte, get back to the bar and order me another Maker's! I told you I wouldn't be gone long! Anyways..........the Bears quest for the playoffs will have to go through the Twin Cities. Hopefully by then Favre will be back to throwing up INTs like this guy..............
Styx, what happened to your shirt????? Oh well...Let's get back to some football, shall we? Here's how things looked from where I sat.
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In out first matchup, Sweat quelled all talks about contraction as his squad hit the matchup lottery and finally hit on all cylinders this weekend (minus Hixon who probably shouldn't be started going forward as he is about the 12th option in that offense). Big days were had from Larry (Fitz), Mo (Lynch), and Curly (Ward) against their weaker counterparts. Clinton Portis, on the other hand, cared little that he was running into the teeth of a once formidable defense and went off for 24 points of his own. (Damn....what's wring with Clinton Portis? That cat has some identity issues!)
Sweat's big day was met with opposition from Team Utah whose squad finished just about where it was supposed to with one glaring weakness. How does a team's only credible WR get suspended for a game without anyone finding out about the suspension until nearly game time? Mike Sims-Walker was told to show up to the game in civvies for a violation of the team's itinerary???? How does that happen? Did he miss the buffet? Did he checkout AFTER 11:00? Did he forget to put the "Do Not Disturb" sign back inside the room? Hey, Mike, I've got an extra alarm clock here at the house! I'll send it to you! And I know you're rolling with a phone that has alerts....learn how to set them! Well, all of this business lets me know one thing. DO NOT fuck with Jack Del Rio....or it will cost you a fantasy weekend! Jack, you probably could've used Mike in that pounding that you guys took this Sunday! Did I say "Jack"? I meant "Mr. Del Rio"!
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In the second game, there was a battle between the former (and possibly future) Vice Cops as Don brought home a victory over Chris. Don suddenly got huge production from two thus-far underachieving WRs, Burleson and White (sounds like a furniture store, doesn't it?). Read the ad out loud quickly!.....now wait for it......hilarious!
The win helped move Don into the middle of the pack and brought his record up to 2-3. Chris, meanwhile, dropped to 2-3 as he couldn't take advantage of heavy loads (I believe that "Heavy Loads" is a website that Don has bookmarked!....I call the one in the pink!) from McNabb and Addai because the RB duo of DeAngelo Williams and Mewelde Moore grossly underproduced despite tasty matchups. Chris, I'm thinking maybe you should rename your team "Crystal Pepsi" because that was one huge flop!!!!

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In the third game of the week, Kos improved to 4-1 with a win over Robert. The loss sent Robert to 1-4 and right into the basement as his lack of QB strength once again plagued him as Manning gunned for 43, but Kyle Boller could only muster 10 pts. The QB situation was, however, overshadowed by SUCK-tacular performances by Cotchery and Mason who managed just .9 pts combined, and a keeper in Cadillac that scored 5. I'm not sure Robert, but you might want to check you rear axles because I believe your wheels are falling off!
On Kos' side, he was able to overcome shit days from Cooley and McGahee with mammoth QB outings from Ryan and Hasselbeck who scored almost half of his team's points with 82 points between them. Add that to big totals from "TJ MCKay and his best friend Ray" (sorry if you aren't familiar with 80's TV) and you had a 40 point laugher. And speaking of laughing, I overheard Kos telling Robert a joke on Sunday and thought that I would share it with all of you....

Kos: Robert, there's a new joke going around. Have you heard it?....What did the five fingers say to the face?
Robert: What?
Kos: SLAP! Coooooold Blooooooded! Bang, Bang! I'm Jason Kos, bitch! Everybody...King Kong ain't got shit on me!
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And then there was this ass-fest. The NFL gave us a 6-3 game between Buffalo and Cleveland this week.....and the Bearbackers league gave us Wes vs. Andy. In the famous words of Sir Charles Barkley, this contest was Turr-i-Bull. Neither team came within 26 pts of the next lowest score in the league! I mean, come on, guys. This is fantasy football....it's so easy, a caveman could do it. Andy had four guys that scored 1.4 pts OR LESS and Wes had eight guys that didn't break out of single digits! I can't spend much time on this abortion...all I know is that Yahoo! allowing you two to play each other and awarding one of you a win was a worse idea than "Spray-On Hair"!!!! Although, I guess that stuff could at least help society out a little bit. Right, Sean? Wes? Chris? Peters? Oops, wrong league for that last one!

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We get away from that JV game and head over to where the varsity was playing as Sean and Bobby both a solid days with Sean coming away with the Victoooooooryyyyyyy, Johnny Drama-style! (If you don't watch Entourage, you should have your man-card yanked from you this very second!) Both teams went to 2-3 after this match and helped contribute to the log jam in the middle of the league. There were very few people to blame on Bobby's squad as Jake and Josh (I think that's a show on Nickelodeon!) produced at QB (that may never happen again!) and Brandon Marshall used those "Sugar Daddy" throwback uniforms to hyponitize the New England DBs and bring home a 23 spot. Bobby could've hoped for more production from his RBs, but Jacobs was playing OAK and sat for most of the 2nd half and Freddie Jackson is now playing second fiddle to "Grill Piece" Lynch.
Sean used the Romo to Austin connection to stockpile points (Romo really shouldn't get the points for those 8-yeard outs that Austin turned into long TDs!) and help to compensate for hugely disappointing days from Chris Johnson (change that team name!) and the NYJ defense (Beware the WildCat!). And another big total came for much-maligned and oft-taunted Braylon Edwards who used a relocation and the Cotchery injury to FINALLY post a respectable point total! Maybe B.E. just needed out of Cleveland. But why would he want to leave such a paradise? Maybe it has to do with the struggling economy and the fact that they are now forced to skimp on their tourism budget....what do you think?

Anybody want to help me pack?????
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In out last matchup, Sunto smacked Styx right across the face with his junk and gave Styx the biggest purple mushroom of all time (if you are unfamiliar...check out urbandictionary.com)! Styx was again forced to use Mick Vick at QB (is Bobby the only Coker that understands the 2 QB system?) and got dumped on by Moss and Holmes, nullifying electric days from Big Ben and Burner Turner. Styx, that is NOT a playoff quality team and I don't think Bulger is gonna help matters...better take a few minutes to sit down and hash out some trades before you end up down with Robert!
Sunto breezed right past down days from Megatron and Britt because Cassel...Blew Up, Orton...Blew Up, Ronnie Brown...Blew Up, Bradshaw...Blew Up. I'm seeing a pattern here! How is Sunto suddenly a contender in just his second year of fantasy football, you wonder? Well, the answer is inspiration....all it took was some inspirational words from the head of the league and his lacky and Sunto was on his way to mastering this fantasy football concept and becoming a major player. I will replay the conversation for those of you that may be looking for a lift in your own life! (Starts at :23 seconds)

Utah: Sunto, don't talk that way.
Sean: You're so money and you don't even know it
Utah: That's what I've been trying to tell you, you're so money.
Sunto: Could you not mess with me right now?
Utah: Sunto, we're not messing with you!
Sean: We're not!
Utah: You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws...with fangs.
Sean: Big fucking teeth, Sunto.
Utah: Big fucking teeth on ya. And Styx is just like this little bunny who's just kinds cowering in the corner.
Sean: Shivering!
Utah: Yeah, Sunto, just kind of...you know you've got these claws and you're staring at these claws. And you're thinking to yourself....with these claws, you're thinking...man, how am I suppossed to kill Styx?
Sean: You're poking at it, you're poking at it.
Utah: No, you're not hurtin' it. You're just kinda battin' Styx around. You know what I mean. And Styx is scared, Sunto. Styx is scared of you. Shivering.
Sean: And you got these fucking claws and fangs!
Utah: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs. And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs and you're thinkin' to yourself, "I don't know what to do, man." I don't know how to kill the Styx. With this you don't know how to kill the Styx! Do you know what I mean?
Sean: You're like a big bear, Sunto!
Sunto: So you're not just like fuckin' with me?
Utah: No, I'm not fuckin' with ya.
Sean: Honestly!
Utah: Sunto, I'm tellin' ya, you're money!
Sean: You're so fuckin' money!
Utah: Alright, now I want you to go over to that Styx and I want you to beat him!
Sean: You're money!
Utah: Come here a second. Listen to me. Now look it....when you go up to beat him,man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know? The guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from, ok? You're a bad man. You're a bad man. You're a bad man. Bad man.

Utah is available for motivational speeches if anyone else is interested!
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Well, that's it for this week, boys. The standings are gonna hit a critical point in the next few weeks as most of the teams are sitting right in the middle thus far. Make sure you have your ducks in a row and plans are set for the upcoming weeks. I'll see you all again next week. I'm out of here like Stafon Johnson is out of the hospital. Dude, clear your throat....I can't understand a word you are saying!

Week 4 Update

Welcome back to another update, boys! Week 4 has come and gone and it was an up-and-down weekend on Utah's end. The Bears came through in the second half (after an inspiring acrobatic routine by Cutler) to send the Lions back to the Motor City as losers. But waiting back there in Detroit were my Tigers who, after leading the AL Central for nearly the entire season, allowed the Twins to pull into a tie and force a one-game playoff on Tuesday (in Minnesota!!!!) for the rights to get into the playoffs. You are breaking my heart, Kittens. You know you are terrible in the Metro-dome! Utah may be unreachable for a few days if the boys go down Tuesday night, gentleman, so don't be surprised by a leave-of-absence from the commish in order to regain proper mental health! Anyways, back to football. Here's how things looked from where I sat....
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Sweat once again cranked the suck-o-meter up to 10 in his weekly quest to score 100 pts or less. You've heard it all before....Joey Galloway plays even though he is inactive, LeRon McClain makes the starting lineup even though he is a fullback and Willis scores ALL of Baltimore's TDs, Trent Edwards go all "Trent Edwards" on the Fins and manages to only put up 16 pts. Blah, blah, blah...this team is bad with a capital SUCK. The Commish may have to make like MLB and step in to think about some contraction if things don't get any better! Could Sweat be going the way of the Marlins or Blue Jays if Bud Selig has anything to say about it?...Stay tuned!
Chris was able to score this contest a victory with mediocre days from most of his squad and big games from Wacko Joe Flacco and Antonio Gates. Gates turned the Steel Curtain defense into the Chiffon Scarf defense (hey....Becks thinks it's cool!) in the second half Sunday night and brought home over a quarter of Sweat's total points (28 pts)! But what made this matchup interesting was that Chris was able to win even though he used BRADY QUINN as his second QB! Quinn was benched earlier in the week and never even sniffed the field in the Browns game. So why waste a waiver pick on a QB replacement in a week where only one is needed for a "W"???? Interesting strategy, Chris. And believe me, one that the Commish was paying very close attention to!
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Pop Quiz: You are a top-15 pre-season WR...You have been almost non-existent so far this season and choose to blame your crappy team for your failures...You go catch-less in an overtime thriller with you hated rivals from the same state...What do you do that Sunday night???? Do you:
A) Hit the weight room.
B) Study film in hopes of picking up on your weaknesses and try to improve upon them.
C) Go clubbing and cap the night off by punching a 130-lb club promoter in the face that just so happens to be a close personal friend of the favorite son (LeBron James) of the city that you play in????
If you answered C), then you are absolutely correct! That's how Cleveland Brown and every-week staple in Sean's lineup, Braylon Edwards goes about improving his game! Nice play, B.E.! If that's what you get to do when you post a huge "0" in the points column, what does Roy Williams get to do with his 5 points? Kick Grady Sizemore's dog in the nuts????? Oh, Braylon....we barely knew ya!

Sean had a lack-luster day from almost his entire squad (minus Super Steve Smith.....no, not that Steve Smith!) and was able to be beaten by Styx who also used the "Second QB...I don't need no stinkin' second QB" strategy as Pat White got the starting nod and posted a robust .1 pts! (Doesn't he sing vocals for the White Stripes?) Anyways, Mendenhall (44 pts) and Roethlisberger (39 pts) had monster nights for Stumps as he shocked Sean to cruise to 3-1. Might want to think about a third QB, though, at some point Jeffery. We don't all give away mercy wins like you got this week!
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Team Campbell had another rough week to fall to 1-3. The boys from the Miami DEF and Pretty Ricky Williams basked in the glory of the South Florida sunshine and brought their "A" games with them to the tune of 28 and 19 points. Unfortunately for Don, his QBs fell back to earth and crashed-and-burned upon re-entry. The team's namesake could do very little (outside of a deep pass to Moss...double dip for Don) against a battered TB team struggling to find its' identity, and Mark Sanchez discovered that maybe this NFL thing can get a little messy as the New Orleans defense delivered a 4.22 point "Dirty Sanchez" to the NYJ QB....how's that taste, rookie?
Andy, on the other hand, needed 40 points going into Monday night, but had plenty of guns available to pull off the task. The combo of Favre, ADP, and Grant helped Andy recover from a somewhat sluggish start to his fantasy week and sent him dancing into the night with some Monday night magic. Oddly enough, it just so happens that Utah was able to procure a video of that very event...enjoy Andy's victory dance!

Dude....we could've done without the sideways shots!!!!
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Kos got the best (and worst) of Bobby in their matchup this week as Bobby obviously had Carolina on his mind during the draft and was without 3 players as the Panthers took their bye week. Things aren't looking any better this week , Bobby, because Brees takes his week off and your QBs will now be Delhomme and Seneca Wallace. Better hope that rainy Seattle weather keeps Hasselbeck "under the weather", but judging by the rest of your team, the QB situation is the least of your worries. Nobody wins while starting the one-play wonder, Brandon Stokley. That cat has only caught six balls all season and one was for 87 and a TD on a fluke bounce. That guy shouldn't be in anyone's lineup at all. That being said....damn, did that catch look cool in Tecmo-vision!

Kos managed to overcome so-so days by most of his team with a strong outing from Rodgers, a gimme-game for Slaton against Oakland, and a return-yardage bonanza from Josh Cribbs as the Bengals kicked the ball away 90 times. But what's to become of D-Mac and his 1.9 pts, Kos? Because he and his team D-Blow and now his knee is D-U-N! I haven't seen something with that much hype fall that fast since the inventions of the Arch-Deluxe and Olestra! Man....my ass still hurt from those two fiascoes!!!!
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In the next to last matchup, it was Sunto going "high score of the week" all over the Utes. Disappointing days from Schaub (who only had to play a little over 2 quarters in a rout against Oakland) and Ced Benson (big day against Pittsburgh, but nothing against Cleveland????) overshadowed big totals from free agent sensations Jerome Harrison (yes, I did see that coming!) and Mike Sims-"JJ" Walker. Things were not so dyno-no-mite in Camp Utah this week but a bounce back is surely on the horizon.
How did Sunto beat a team as well put together and as soundly run as Johnny Utah's? Let's examine...Well, Rivers and Cassel (Sunto, you should really pick up Ryan Moats...if I could use Rivers, Cassel, and Moats in an update, it would kill!) both had good fantasy day without having great real games, Megatron made up for the injury shortened day for Hester, and Ronnie Brown ran around Miami like was Tony Montana. "Fuck T. O.! And fuck the Buffalo Bills! Fuck 'em all! I bury those cock-a-roaches!" But the big day for Sunto came as the New Orleans defense celebrated like it was Mardi Gras and treated the formerly undefeated Jets like some drunken skank on Bourbon Street that would do just about anything for that $2 string of beads that you were holding ransom like it was the last morsel of edible food on a deserted island. What would she do for those beads?.................................................................................. But then what do you do with her? I guess fuck her hard and then send her back to New York just like the Saints did to Rex Ryan and Sunto did to the Utes! 2-2 never felt so regrettable! Damn you, Sunto. Not even a reach-around????
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In our final tilt of the week, Robert looked like he had his contest with Wes well in hand after solid days from his entire squad lead by the golden arm of the eldest Manning brother...no, I guess that would be Cooper....the middle Manning brother. But alas, poor planning and questionable drafting lead Robert to the use of Kyle Boller as his 2nd QB and Wes stormed onto the scene with David Garrard, Jacoby Jones, and Pierre Thomas like Jules in Pulp Fiction and gave Robert a lesson in fantasy football (starts at 0:28)...................





Wes: My name's Wes, and your ass ain't talkin' your away outta this shit.
Robert: I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so fucked up
with us and Mr. Hall. We got into this thing with the best intentions...
Wes: Oh, I'm sorry. Did Ibreak your concentration? I didn't mean to do
that. Please, continue. You were saying something about
"best intentions"? What's a matter? Oh, you were finished?
Well, allow me to retort. What does Wes Hall look like?
Robert: What?
Wes: What country you from?
Robert: What?
Wes: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What?"
Robert: What?
Wes: English-motherfucker-do-you-speak-it?
Robert: Yes.
Wes: Then you know what I'm sayin'?
Robert: Yes.
Wes: Describe what Wes Hall looks like!
Robert: What?
Wes: Say "What" again! Say "What" again! I dare ya, I double
dare ya motherfucker! Say "What" one more goddamn time!
Robert: Well he's ...he's...white --
Wes: -- go on!
Robert: ...and he's...he's...tall --
Wes: -- does he look like a bitch?
Robert: What?
Wes: Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!
Robert: No.
Wes: Then why did you try to fuck him like a bitch, Robert?!
Robert: I didn't.
Wes: Yes you did! Yes you did, Robert. Ya tried ta fuck him. And Wes Hall don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Hall. You read the Bible, Robert?
Robert: Yes.
Wes: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this
situation: Utah 25:17.
"The path of the righteous fantasy football
manager is beset on all sides by the inequities of the
2 quarterback system and the tyranny of evil waiver pickups.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will,
shepherds the wide receivers through the valley of darkness,
for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder
of lost free agents. And I will strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy
my running backs. And you will know my name is the Rug Doctor when
I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

Seems like a pretty hard way to go, Wes, but I guess you got your point across, huh?
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Well, boys, that a wrap on Week 4. The bye weeks continue as the position battles for the playoff spots begin in earnest. There's a long way to go in the season, gents, and the playoffs can't be won in the next four weeks...but they can be lost! Get your team right.
That's it for now, men. I'm outta here like The Detroit Tigers in the 12th......bases loaded with one out and nobody crosses the plate!?!? Damn!