football, anything can happen during a single elimination bracket, so hold on tight!Looking back on the last week, the Bears are bringing an uninspired season to a close with an uninspiring victory against the lowly Rams. Not much more can be expected from a lame-duck OC in Ron Turner w
ho is just playing out the string...does anyone have Mike Martz's cell number? I would have no problem watching Cutler at the helm of the offense that made Kurt Warner a star...would you? On the home front, the Commish has become addicted to the Call of Duty series for the 
Wii and just beat the Modern Warfare installment (albeit on "recruit" level). I am thinking of legally changing my name to Soap McTavish because he is so bad-ass that he reminds me of me! Ok, ok, back to the games, let's have a late look back at last week's action and see where things are headed for the first round of the playoffs. Here's how things looked from where I sat.......--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the first contest, Kos took out the suddenly struggling Commish who landed at 6-7 and 7th place. The victory put Kos into the 2 hole and set up a first round rematch between the two squads. Kos was lead by a phenomenal day from Rodgers which turned out to be plenty even though seven of his players finished in the single digits. Why was that plenty???? Because the Commish had six guys in single digits highlighted by a 1.7 pt torching of the Houston D by Mike Sims-Sucker and a 1 pt performance by Dustin Keller who looked about as good on the field as Helen K
eller would've. Hey Dustin, grab up that white cane and those sunglasses. W
e're going over to Dick's and buying you a football so that you can know what it's like to touch one before I drop your ass onto the waiver wire! Add those two's totals to the 8.5 pts put up by former fantasy stud Frank Gore (who, thanks to the new shotgun spread being implemented by the 49ers is running like Frank Stallone) and the Commish is free falling down the ranks...from 3rd to 7th in two weeks...anyone know what it's like to fall that hard, that fast????Whoa...I guess that kid does!!!!
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The Burner got the better of Craig and DeyDey in the next affair. The victory solidified Styx into the 3rd slot (with probably the most beatable team in the top half of the seedings) and left Robert clinging to 11th place and a Toilet Bowl berth. Although a win wouldn't have c
hanged Robert's position, he almost finished the season with a flourish thanks to seminal ou
tings from Alex Smith (again! This guy is making Shaun Hill look like Peter Tom Willis!) and Pierre Garcon, which means "waiter" in French. As in, "Garcon, bring me an appetizer of roasted linebackers. And for my main course, I'll take the fire-grilled safeties with a side of baked cornerbacks. And then I'm gonna do some Manning-Bombs!!!!"Styx got the victory despite using, yet again, his merry-go-round of shit-tastic 2nd QBs. This week's freak show, Kyle Boller, spread his awfulness across the field to the tune of 6.77 pts. Team Burner was saved by gargantuan totals from Holmes (30.9) and Boldin (25.3) to hold onto the 3 position and a meeting with the quickly rising Crash Jensen. I'm not sure what you plan on doing with your lineup this week, Stumps, but I have a feeling your playoff run may end up something like this!
Heads up????
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In the closest matchup of the week, Wes sent Bobby into the playoffs with a loss as the Rug Dr beat Brandon Jacobs (nice name) by only five points. Bobby was able to hold on to the last playoff spot by the skin of his teeth as he had only a 90 point lead over Andy keeping him out of the bottom four. And for his effort, Bobby will get the privilege of facing Sean with the top overall team. Wes'
win was of little consequence in the standings but put him in a winning state of mind as he heads into his matchup with Robert to try to secure the "Dir
ty $50" from the Toilet Bowl.Wes won this game with outstanding QB and WR play from David, Tom, Greg, Wes, and Antonio (?). Big Bird says one of these names is not like the other...one of these names
just doesn't belong! Too bad you didn't get that kind of production all year, Wes, or you could have been in the hunt for the real money instead of digging through Oscar's trash trying to find the consolation cash. Hey wait....I didn't think Oscar let anyone into 
his trash can except his closest friends. How'd you get in there? Oh....that's right! I forgot about your world famous Cookie Monster impression. Well played, sir! Coooooooooooookie!Bobby, on the other hand, wasted a 41 pt day from Brees, a 26 point tally from Jacobs, and a nearly 20 pt afternoon from Marshall because
of a super off
day for Wayne (6.8) and an unenthusiastic showing by Ryan Fitzpatrick who could only muster 6.3 pts as a starting QB. Put down that Jameon's whiskey, my Irish friend....there's a game going on out there! Oh, and how could I not remember the measley 6 pts that the Pittsburgh D posted as they were beaten by the Raiders! Talk about slaying the giant...was that Buster Douglas playing on Oakland's D-line???? All of these slip-ups weren't enough to push Bobby out of the playoffs, but as this video shows, he almost lost it!Janice....help Bobby out!!!!!
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The next tilt was an ass-whoopin' of epic proportions as Sean continued his hot streak and lambasted Chris by nearl
y 100 pts. The victory allowed Sean to win the easy $100 as league champ and capture the all important top seed and a chance to square off with Bobby. With the loss, Chris still hung onto the four spot to set up a 4-5 matchup with Sunto.Chris got shat upon by his entire troop minus Addai and Gates, but the real kick in
the nuts came early on Sunday when it was announced that DeAngelo would be sitting the game out. From there it was pretty much game, set, and match for the Bulldogs. Hey, D....I know you are on a bad team and are a little knicked up, but so is Steven Jackson and he manages to make it onto the field every Sunday. How about suiting up and rolling your ugly ass out onto the turf???? DeAngelo is so ugly that he could put the boogie man out of business...keep your helmet on dude!Meanwhile, Sean got a virtual explosion from everyone in his faction except the kicker as he rolled up another 200+ point day. I'm not gonna say that his game against Bobby this week is gonna be one sided, but it may look a lot like this.................
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................
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Sunto was able to fend off Andy's ass-tacular performance to post a 131-114 win and slide into the 5 hole to face Bulldogs. Andy's loss sent him to the dreaded 9 spot where he is on t
he outside looking in for the playoffs. Sunto somehow fanangled a "W" even though he received a .64 from Caldwell, a .70 from Choice, and a 0 from Carney (Psssst, Sunto....that dude doesn't play anymore!). Those are the three biggest wastes of space since the Girls Next Door! Thank the heavens for Rivers, Vernon Davis, and CJ, right Sunny????Andy, ho
wever, got no support as everyone on his team, save for the upstart VY and the kicker, came in at or below projected levels, including ADP, McCoy, and Maroney who could only eek out 25.3 pts between them. Dude, you were in three fantasy leagues and couldn't make the playoffs in any of them???? Who's to blame for that? A little advice that I once heard for two dreadlocked wise men......Blame it on the rain!!!! So the much maligned draft day trade between Andy and Chris in which some thought Andy had stolen All Day, leaves Andy in the Toilet Bowl and Chris in a matchup with Sunto with a more than decent chance at advancing into the second round......hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.To be fair, this matchup was far from dominated by either team, I half expected to it to end up like this....................
What in the hell were you guys doing at the 8 Second Saloon???????
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Our last matchup featured league whipping boy, Sweat, squaring off against the newly revitalized Crash Jensen. The result left Sweat in the basement to face Andy in the Toilet Bowl (how about t
hat Wes...you're no longer the Fantasy Fucktard!) and sent Don into a 6th seed matchup with Styx.Sweat actually had good results from his QBs (yeah, Quinn posted a 34!) and WRs, but fell flat when it came to the RBs. This marks an end to a not-so-brilliant run for Sweat this season. Saying his team was bad was like saying Three-Mile-Island was a small mishap....although I think I may have wanted to deal with that core meltdown more than I would have wanted to deal with Sweat's squad!
Don, conversely, is on the upswing after getting over-the-top efforts from Warner, Campbell, and Bess. Yes, that is correct, Jason Campbell and Davone Bess! Anyone see that coming? Well, hopefully Styx has his head on a swivel this week, because I can see Don making a run at the 3 seed and coming up with a bit of a Sunday Miracle to land in the second round. I mean, stranger things have happened right?.......................
Don, if you win, will you please change your name to Dude Perfect?
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Well, boys, that's the last of the full edition of the updates this season. Next week will only feature the four playoff games. The Toilet Bowl will be covered on the league page, so check there if you are in the bottom four. I hope you all get as much enjoyment out of reading these as I do writing them. And if you don't like them....go fuck yourself! I gotta get going for now. I'm out of here like Charlie Weis. "Hey Coach, can you clean out your office? No, I mean right now...Brian Kelly is already pulling into campus! And can you take your fupa with you????"
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