Week 2 Mini-Update

Hello there, gentlemen! I know what you are thinking.....thanks for the update this week, slack-ass! I had considered letting this week go without an update, but it's Saturday night and I have a little time before bedtime as the Commish has to be up in the morning for the "Race for the Cure" (saving breasts is very high up on the Commish's priority list!).
While I've got you all together I thought we'd play a little game. It's called NFL QB Roll-Call. It's easy.....when I call out something that relates to your team, you sit down! Here we go:
If your team has 2 losses, have a seat. Yeah, that means you Bradford and Favre....rookies are just as accountable as vets! Whoa....did you sit down Romo???? I thought this was your year? Huh, maybe not. If your team has one loss, grab some pine. Geez, the ENTIRE NFC East? Was this not supposed to be the toughest division in football? Who else sat down? Manning and Brady?!?! It's getting pretty thin in here. You know what that means, don't you? If you are one of the 8 QBs still standing, then your team in undefeated.
Ok, if your team is not from a blue collar midwestern town, be seated. Just you two still standing???? Well, I guess only one of you will still be standing after Monday night and my money is on the goofy looking farmer boy with the weird looking bangs! How 'bout the Bears!!!!!
Alright, enough grab-ass. Let's get to this weeks awards. Here's how things looked from where I sat..................
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Stud of the Week
This week's stud came at the expense of everyone's favorite author (yeah....me) as Andy absolutely rolled and came damn close to the all-time high score of 242. Team Trauma played the match-ups to a tee as 5 of his guys played either OAK, BUF, or DET (and they capitalized!). 4 of his players scored over 28 capped off by a 50 point day from Schaubb (somebody must have pissed him off by telling him he looked like Beaker from the Muppets!). The Commish was actually the 3rd highest scorer this week, but that matters little when you catch a dick-to-the-face like I did this week! The Commish was trying to throw deck chairs off the Titantic and it was a bit too little, and a lot too late!
Here's how the Commish felt during this week's contest.....


Nice man purse and whip, Andrew!
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Dud of the week
For the second week in a row, one of the new guys is the dud of the week! Looks like I brought in some dead money this year! Hey....at least you guys get to play each other this week, so you can't both lose! Luckily for Sean (as this is the only team he would have beaten this week....oops, my bad, he would have beaten Wes by .35 points!) Nooner could BARELY top 90 points! Look at that line-up!!!! Thank God for QBs, huh, Bill? Eight (yes......8 of 11) of his player failed to score more than 9.3 points and his third highest scorer was his kicker! Should I start getting that shit-squad prize engraved with your name William? I haven't seen someone get knocked on their ass that hard since this.......


Hey Bill, nice white shorts!
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Fut the Whuck of the Week
Our second Whuck comes to us courtesy of the Coker Clan that pilots team Flacco. Let me ask you guys a question.....is that Felix Jones in your 2nd RB slot? Let me ask you another question.....is that Ladianian Tomlinson on your bench? One more question......do you know you lost by less than 4 points? Why would you play Jones against the Bears and leave LT on the bench???? Fut the Whuck! 1-1 sure would look better than 0-2 right now. I'm sure your uncle/brother/uncle appreciated that charity W!
Just for that....you are all gonna be subjected to the world worst song/video starring (who else), the world's best bench RB............


I don't like that call....not a very good call (genious!). Christ on a cross.......that is horrible!!!!!
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Well, that's it for this week boys....the Commish has to hit the hay. Good luck to all this week. I'm out of here like Kenny McKinley...........Really, Ken???? You had to go out like that? So what if your knee was blown out and you may never play ball again. There are 300 million people in this country that have to go to work every day to make a living.....it can be done, my man. You took the coward's way out, and for that, you get zero compassion from the Commish. (That might be too heavy of a way to end things, huh?)

OK........................Get ready for Monday night Bears fans.....it's gonna be a fun one! Two team enter, and only one leaves as division leader!

Week 1 Mini-Update

Well........here we go again, boys! To start off, I'd like to welcome back the old guard from last season and welcome in our newest guinea-pigs, Bill Noon and Bob Orwig. While I don't have particularly high hopes that either of these two will make this league any better, maybe one of these two turds will shine up nicely and surprise a few teams! (Get used to it, boys...that's how we roll in the updates.) That being said, you have probably recognized that the league hasn't been as chatty this year as it has been in seasons past. That is kinda by design as the the commish has a lot going on these days. Between getting ready for the baby, studying for the upcoming promotional test, and training for the Chicago Urbanathlon, the commish has been stretched pretty thin. Well two of these time constraints will be done by mid-October (the third won't be done for about 19 years....so about the time that one of Plaxico Burress' illegitimate kids is playing WR in the league!) so until time loosens up a bit, I am going to try to do a Mini-Update every week that I can squeeze it in. There won't be a full look at every game, but I'm going to go with a "Stud of the Week", a "Dud of the Week", and a "Fut the Whuck? of the Week". The first two will be fairly simple, using the high scorer and low scorer of the past week. The third category will be someone that caught my eye for all the wrong reasons and I feel that their ass-awfulness needs to be brought to light. So if you thought that you might be getting away with cruising under the radar with a suck-ass team for the first part of the year....you were dead wrong! Well......let's take a look at the first week in the Bearbackers league. Here's how things looked from where I sat.
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Stud of the Week
Our stud of the week performance comes from team "Chris Johnson" (hey, that's a damn creative name, Sean....how'd you come up with that????). A big day from Tom Brady and two monster days from CJ (yes, it was against Da Raiders, but it was still impressive.....2,500 yards anyone? ) and draft-day darling, Arian Foster helped off-set shit storms from No-Show Bowe
and Mr. Glass, Kevin Kolb. Although, let's be honest....team Johnson would not have needed those monster days from either back to beat up on team Jagermeifter as Chris got only 7 total points from Andre Johnson and Crabtree (ouch!). And, hey.......was that Clinton Portis and Justin Forsett in the same line-up???? Hello, Waiver Wire! Although maybe you should hold onto those guys, Chris....they both outscored DeAngelo!!!!

I came across a video of Sean as he was checking his final stat-lines.....................


I didn't know you spoke Italian, Sean!

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Dud of the Week
Our dud of the week comes courtesy of one of our newcomers as the Airborne Thugs scored a measly 102 points, which would have been much worse if not for a 30 point output from the Colts eighth WR in Austin Collie. This first Dud of the Week may be the worst of the year as Bob plugged in a horrendous Jake Delhomme as his QB2, got a -1 out of his kicker and slotted in Golden Tate at the flex spot...........um, Bob, I'm not sure if you know this, but gameday inactives come out every Sunday morning. Guess who was on Seattle's gameday inactive list this week. Nope, not Ricky Watters. Nope, not Brain Bosworth. Yep.....Golden Tate. You can't score if you don't play! This contest was an all-out dick stomping as Bob took a load in the face and lost by 73 points.......a damn impressive showing in your first week! Get your trade offers ready, boys, because I believe the Airborne Thugs will soon be grounded!

Here's what this matchup would have looked like if it was a fight between hockey fans......

Come on Bob....keep your shirt on!
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"Fut the Whuck" of the Week

Our inaugural "Fut the Whuck" award goes to my younger and less intelligent brother Andy who is the captain of team TRAUMA. Andy played 3 WRs this week, Mike Sims-Walker, DeSean Jackson, and Bernard Berrian...a decent core of WRs. That's is until you look at the stat lines. Those 3 WRS score a TOTAL of 5.4 points! I believe I could drive down to the local Home Depot and snatch up 3 guys that will work for $0.50 an hour and bring home more than 5.4! Even a decent game out of these three would have given Andy enough points to secure a week 1 victory as he only lost to Styx by 19. But I guess that's what happens when you play the "all-or-nothing" type guys.....or maybe we should rename them "nothing-or-nothing" type guys.

I found a video of Andy opening up stattracker to take a look at his Sunday afternoon fantasy scores...........dude, don't check your scores while you are working out!


Hey man, keep your head up! It's only week one......but I sure am glad I'm 1-0 and not 0-1!
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There's you mini-update for week 1 boys. I'll try to make it back in next week with another installment, so keep your teams updated and current or you may be next week's victim. I'm out of here like Matthew Stafford! Raise your hand if you are a fan of the Bears defense....that's alright, Matt, you don't have to raise that hand......we know you are!