Week 16 (Finals) Update

Well, boys, it is all over. We are finished with the BearBackers league until next August. Parting is going to be sorrowful as you are all going to have to go 8 months before hearing (again) how good my fantasy teams are (three leagues competed in...three money wins!) and how much better I am at this game than you! Can you survive without it???? We will find out. This last week was busy for all of us as Christmas came and went and plans for New Years had to be made. But I'm sure a few of you (or all of you) found a minute or two to peek in on a few football games as the week came to a close. What a strange week it was....the formerly untouchable Saints and Colts both went down in defeat and the formerly often-touched Bears staved off a late rally by Old-Man River and the Sailing Scandinavians to come away with a late season victory and provide a light of hope to those of us that had written off this season and possibly the next. Where were these guys all year? I don't know, but it might have saved Lovie's job....we'll see. As for the fantasy side of things, there were four teams left alive and three of them were going to come away with some cash (one of them with a good chuck of cash!)....so who was going to be the empty-handed homo???? Well, here's how things looked from where I sat (for the last time this season).....

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The contest for 3rd place and an instant rebate of the $60 buy-in turned out to be a barn burner as the Commish faced off against Chris and Team Bulldogs. The Commish seemed to have a relatively comfortable lead heading into the Monday night game as his own personal Fantasy Factory posted a score of 187 and left him with a 30+ point lead over Chris with uber-rookie Percy Harvin left to play. Helping "Team Utah" overcome the 2.9 put up by the "overhyped hyphen", Sims-Walker, was the dogged determination displayed by the "not-quite-golden-but-maybe-gold-plated" arm of Chad Henne (that's right!) who once again topped the 300 yard mark and ended the day with 32+ points despite throwing to the worst group of receivers not named Roy Williams, Braylon Edwards, or Darrius Hayward-Bey. I mean, come on guys...Steve Smith caught a pass this last weekend, and then got his arm broken BUT still scored and you guys can't haul in a 10-yard out with the closest defender three counties away???? Get it together or next season you three are gonna be drafted in the same round as the backup TEs, the second defenses.........and MATT FORTE! (Sorry Don, but Forte was this year's Fantasy Fucktard!)

Also assisting in the Commish's cause was the sixth round sensation Cedric Benson (26), the formerly deceased Todd Heap (16), and the "Samuri Mike" lead San Fran defense (23). If before the season you had told me that Henne, Benson, Heap, and the SF DEF would be key players in my finals matchup, I would have said that it was more likely that Tiger Woods would take a leave of absence from golf because he was caught cheating on his Swedish-model wife with 12 chicks that looked like they fell off the "Rock of Love" bus! Oh wait, they both really happened........weird!

On Chris' side, things were looking bleak as DeAngelo again wasn't going to suit up and Addai didn't play much after the half. This left the Bulldogs with a RB trio of Ryan Grant, 50% of Joseph Addai, and Justin Forsett.......ouch! That lineup is weaker than one of you soft-bodies attempting a bench press! (The Commish put up 275 lbs. the other day, by the way......over 1.5 times my body weight....eat it!) Further hindering Chris' quest was the fact that none of his WRs had breakout games as they all scored in the single digits. But hope was not completely lost for the Bulldogs as Donovan McNabb stepped up and treated the Denver defense like Mike Tyson treated Zach Galifianakis after he stole Tyson's tiger in "The Hangover"......"I can feel it, coming in the air tonight"! McNabb posted a 41 and left Chris within striking distance for the Monday game.

So what happened Monday???? Chris need Favre to outscore Harvin by 31 in order to win the 3rd place cash........and Favre outscored Harvin......by 24! Oh......so close! Favre was Lucy van Pelt to Chris' Charlie Brown......better luck next time, Bulldogs! But I guess this was all to be expected when you are competing against "The Most Interesting Man in Fantasy Football"!!!!




I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I prefer to drink it with the Commish!
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Our final contest was for the big money, bragging rights, and the all-important champions trophy that will be presented at the first annual Bearbackers live draft. This was a matchup of the dominate team that had been put together by Sean that he felt was so good that he could dub his team "Fantasy Mensa Member", against a group that had been built by Styx that may have failed to score a passing grade on the SATs, as he had been without a second QB for much of the season. Styx had won his first round game by .7 points and had scored (by far) the lowest winning score in that first week and looked to be easy pickings for Sean who had totaled scores of 231, 246, 236, and 241 in the last four week. This was going to be a drubbing that would make the Bears' 46-10 win in SuperBowl XX look like an overtime thriller, right????? Wrong!!!!

Sean had been riding a train conducted by the QB duo of Romo and Manning, but even as those of us non-Mensa members knew, that train may be coming to a rest at a station that was far short of the final stop as Peyton Manning figured to be pulled early in the Colts game due to the playoff standings. But that had been a possibility for weeks, so surely a certified genius would be carrying a 3rd QB to use in just such an emergency, right???? Wrong!!!! Sean was forced to play Manning who was pulled just after halftime and took his seat on the pine after throwing less than 200 yards and zero TDs....good enough for a measly 11 points. Add that to the fact that another stalwart of Sean's weekly dominance, his WRs, decided that the final Sunday would be a great day to slip back into mediocrity as Britt, Austin, and Ocho did their best to mimic TJ Houshmandzadeh, Terrell Owens, and Eddie Royal (were Housh, T.O., and Royal seriously drafted in the third, fourth, and sixth rounds......can you can massive disappointments?) as they only put up a combined 29 points. Both of these situations, plus the fact that his TE, K, and Flex barely topped double digits together, put the Fantasy Einstein in a tight spot as his squad had to fight to total 153 points.

Would Styx be able to score enough to best this unimpressive final score? His team was projected to only score 159, after all, and had the potential to come in well under that total. So what did he do? I believe the more appropriate question would be....what DIDN'T he do! A rock solid effort from the entire Burner brigade was lead by Randy Moss (24 points.....why not....he is one of the top WRs in the game), Santonio Holmes (17 points.....ok, sure......he has a lot of talent and potential), Darren Sproles (29 points......huh?.....isn't he a backup?), and Matt Moore (29 points......wait.......Matt Moore?????........Who the hell is Matt Moore????). Really????? Matt Moore????? Beware MadDog Moore come the fantasy finals because even a road game against the Giants in the Meadowlands isn't enough to rattle MadDog!!!! I'm not sure that before the week began I wouldn't have started Dudley Moore, Roger Moore, or even Mary Tyler Moore over Matt Moore! Apparently Styx enjoys his fantasy championships shaken, not stirred, as his team came to play on the most important of days and brought home 193 points! A victory of 40 points! This was an upset that won't soon be forgotten as most thought this championship was wrapped up weeks ago.......but evidently nobody notified Stumps of his pending doom. The odds overcome in this matchup kinda reminded the Commish of another unlikely champion that won countless times on numerous Saturday mornings not too long ago................................

Congratulations to your 2009 BearBackers Fantasy Football Champion........Styx!!!!!
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Well that's it for this year, boys! It was definitely a fun ride and I look forward to doing it all again next season. Next year will bring some new faces and a new draft style, but the competition will be just as fierce so keep yourselves sharp and start to work on your plan of attack for next season. The 2 QB system employs a different way of thinking when it comes to all the different aspects of this game and now that we all have a season under our belts, I only anticipate things getting better. Well, I gotta get going, I need to get started on my rankings for next year so that I can keep cashing in this league (two years in a row!). I'm outta here like Mike Leach........I don't know why anyone would want to fire this guy, he's hilarious.....check out this rant........classic!!!!


I'm sorry to see you go, coach, but I have a feeling that the player's girlfriend's feel a little different than me!

Week 15 (Semi-Final) Update

Here we are again, boys. Two weeks of the playoffs down and one left. This makes the Commish forlorn because after this week, it will be another seven months before we reconvene for the inaugural live draft in the Bearbackers league. This has been a season of great hope, great letdowns, and great triumphs in both this league and in the real world. As for the letdowns, the economy continues to struggle and has affected many of our lives both emotionally and financially (hopefully that turns around since the buy-in is increasing to $100 next year...and you know I require that cash, pre-draft!). Our country continues to be mired in (in this writer's opinion) a needless, self-serving war that is still claiming the lives of some of our bravest young men and women. And, of course, Jay Cutler has decided that throwing passes to the other team is way cooler than hitting the receivers wearing the same colored jersey as he is! Is there any way to call a "do-over" on that trade, cuz I would really like to have Orton and next year's first round pick rather than a record setting pick-chucker! Damn, Jay, at least act like you care and stop acting like you'd rather be posted up on a bar stool shooting Jack and trying to score tail! This is the NFC North....which, in Cutler's world, apparently stands for No Fucking Chaser! On the positive side, though, many of us have a great variety of things to be thankful for this year. Some of us have settled into new jobs, a handful have started new relationships or moved old relationships to new levels, I believe all of us continue to be surrounded by caring and wonderful family and friends (eat that, Tiger!), and a few of us even welcomed new additions to our families (although I'm not sure how many more Welling boys this world can handle!.....could somebody have a girl already????) As we move into Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, take some time to think back on all the good times over the past year (like the "Mustache Party" that the Commish had the privilege of attending last weekend....is it me or do I look a lot like Junior from Reno 911!) and try to forget the bad times. Remind yourself that this league is about fantasy football and that this is not the most vital aspect in our lives. However.........it is absolutely fucking awesome that I am as good as I am at this game!!!! Alright, alright.....enough with the intro.......let's get back to talking about the Semi-Final playoff games! Here's how things looked (sadly) from where I sat..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our first semi-final matchup really put the Holy into the holidays....as in, "Holy, shit. Can you believe the score of that matchup?". Sean treated Chris as his personal bitch as he rolled to a 241-108 victory. A 133 point win!!!! This was an ass-whoopin' of epic proportions as Sean's squad did whatever they wanted to Chris and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. Tomy Romo gave Chris the "Rear Admiral" (When getting Chris from behind (with both partners standing), Tony makes sure he doesn't let Chris grab onto anything when he is bent over. Then, Tony drives his hips into Chris' backside so that the momentum pushes him forward. The goal is to push him into a wall or table, or have him trip and fall on his face. Tony attains the status of Admiral when he can push Chris around the room without crashing into anything and not using his hands to grab onto Chris' hips.) by putting up 32. Peyton Manning delivered 46 and a "Dog in the Bathtub" (This is the proper name for when Peyton attempted to insert his nuts into a Chris' ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.). Miles Austin brought home 29 points and a "Houdini" for Chris (this maneuver is accomplished while going at it doggy style. As Miles feels he is about to cum, he pulls out and spits on the small of Chris' back....making him think Miles is finished....It's at the point when Chris turns around when *BAM!* Miles busts a load in Chris' face! Abracadabra!). Jamal Charles got in on the act by scoring 35 and loosening Chris up with an "Angry Dragon" (This involves Chris giving Jamal a blowjob and when Jamal is about to blow, he karate-chops Chris in the throat, causing him to shoot gizz out of his nose!). Even Fred Davis came to the party by nearly doubling his projected points and performing my personal favorite, the "Tony Danza" (When Fred is about to cum while doing Chris from behind, he says "Who's the Boss?" and sticks it in Chris' ass. Before Chris says anything, Fred shouts "TONY DANZA!" and punches Chris in the back of the head!).
Jesus, Chris, you must have been pretty damn sore come Tuesday morning, cuz that was one long, hard fuckin' you just got!!!!!!
As for Chris' team, everyone on his team under-produced with the exception of McNabb and his kicker. His fate was sealed by the time DeAngelo limped to the sideline after injuring his ankle and all hope was lost when the skyrocketing numbers being put up by old man Favre finally came crashing back down to Earth. Things were not well on the streets of Toledo after the embarrassing loss that Chris endured. Just check out this video from Chris' shift later that night!........

I hope you didn't ask for anything special for Christmas, Chris. Because the only thing you are getting is an IA investigation!
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In our second semi-final, down was up and up was down as Styx spat in the face of conventional wisdom in order to send the Commish to the 3rd place game as he triumphed 182-115. This was another matchup that never got to the point of even being close and the Commish's run of playoff upsets ended at just one. The week started off very well for Stumps as MJD and Dallas Clark took the Thursday night game by storm and propelled Styx to a 61+ point lead going into the weekend. But hope sprung up for the Commish when Michael Turner left his game after one carry, Mike Vick did was he always does and posted less than one point, and Ryan Longwell was apparently kicking at the wrong goalposts as he scored -1. Three guys on a playoff team scoring .5 points...easy victory for the other team, right? Nope...dead wrong! I mean, who needs 2 QBs when your #1 QB puts up 500 yards and 3 TDs coming out to a total of 52 fantasy points! A Fifty-Burger with extra cheese! But still, wouldn't the other squad still have a chance???? Nope! The Commish trotted out a lineup in which 9 of the 11 players scored 14 points or less featuring a starting QB that tallied a 3.36! Thank you, Jay. Why don't you take a dip in Lake Michigan...I hear the water's great this time of the year! And while you are on the way, can you pick up some Quik-crete, a pair of tight-fitting work boots, two buckets, and a roll of butcher's twine. Oh, and Scott Peterson needs a ride....would you mind swinging by and picking him up? This was an unmitigated disaster for Team Utah at the most inopportune time. You know what I mean don't you, Miss South Carolina?????

It sure is a good thing that we're both good looking, cuz we both made some bad decisions during critical moments! I guess 3rd place will have to suffice until next season when the Commish gets to wow you all again with his fantasy knowledge!
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Well, that's it for this week boys. I hope everyone has a great Christmas and and enjoyable holiday season. There will be one more update next week and then you all are going to have to suffer through the rest of winter and the spring before you get to read my poignant prose again....enjoy them while they last! I gotta get going and get a few last minute gifts wrapped up so I will talk to you next week. I'm outta here like Tommy Kelly's pants...get a belt, my man!

Week 13 Update

Well, here we go, boys! Four months of work have come down to these next few weeks. Thanks to the Toilet Bowl, nobody is dead yet, however, all that will change next week as half of the league will perish in the upcoming games and be sent packing. The outlook is good for some and bleak for others, but in fantasy football, anything can happen during a single elimination bracket, so hold on tight!
Looking back on the last week, the Bears are bringing an uninspired season to a close with an uninspiring victory against the lowly Rams. Not much more can be expected from a lame-duck OC in Ron Turner who is just playing out the string...does anyone have Mike Martz's cell number? I would have no problem watching Cutler at the helm of the offense that made Kurt Warner a star...would you? On the home front, the Commish has become addicted to the Call of Duty series for the Wii and just beat the Modern Warfare installment (albeit on "recruit" level). I am thinking of legally changing my name to Soap McTavish because he is so bad-ass that he reminds me of me! Ok, ok, back to the games, let's have a late look back at last week's action and see where things are headed for the first round of the playoffs. Here's how things looked from where I sat.......
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In the first contest, Kos took out the suddenly struggling Commish who landed at 6-7 and 7th place. The victory put Kos into the 2 hole and set up a first round rematch between the two squads. Kos was lead by a phenomenal day from Rodgers which turned out to be plenty even though seven of his players finished in the single digits. Why was that plenty???? Because the Commish had six guys in single digits highlighted by a 1.7 pt torching of the Houston D by Mike Sims-Sucker and a 1 pt performance by Dustin Keller who looked about as good on the field as Helen Keller would've. Hey Dustin, grab up that white cane and those sunglasses. We're going over to Dick's and buying you a football so that you can know what it's like to touch one before I drop your ass onto the waiver wire! Add those two's totals to the 8.5 pts put up by former fantasy stud Frank Gore (who, thanks to the new shotgun spread being implemented by the 49ers is running like Frank Stallone) and the Commish is free falling down the ranks...from 3rd to 7th in two weeks...anyone know what it's like to fall that hard, that fast????

Whoa...I guess that kid does!!!!
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The Burner got the better of Craig and DeyDey in the next affair. The victory solidified Styx into the 3rd slot (with probably the most beatable team in the top half of the seedings) and left Robert clinging to 11th place and a Toilet Bowl berth. Although a win wouldn't have changed Robert's position, he almost finished the season with a flourish thanks to seminal outings from Alex Smith (again! This guy is making Shaun Hill look like Peter Tom Willis!) and Pierre Garcon, which means "waiter" in French. As in, "Garcon, bring me an appetizer of roasted linebackers. And for my main course, I'll take the fire-grilled safeties with a side of baked cornerbacks. And then I'm gonna do some Manning-Bombs!!!!"
Styx got the victory despite using, yet again, his merry-go-round of shit-tastic 2nd QBs. This week's freak show, Kyle Boller, spread his awfulness across the field to the tune of 6.77 pts. Team Burner was saved by gargantuan totals from Holmes (30.9) and Boldin (25.3) to hold onto the 3 position and a meeting with the quickly rising Crash Jensen. I'm not sure what you plan on doing with your lineup this week, Stumps, but I have a feeling your playoff run may end up something like this!

Heads up????
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In the closest matchup of the week, Wes sent Bobby into the playoffs with a loss as the Rug Dr beat Brandon Jacobs (nice name) by only five points. Bobby was able to hold on to the last playoff spot by the skin of his teeth as he had only a 90 point lead over Andy keeping him out of the bottom four. And for his effort, Bobby will get the privilege of facing Sean with the top overall team. Wes' win was of little consequence in the standings but put him in a winning state of mind as he heads into his matchup with Robert to try to secure the "Dirty $50" from the Toilet Bowl.
Wes won this game with outstanding QB and WR play from David, Tom, Greg, Wes, and Antonio (?). Big Bird says one of these names is not like the other...one of these names just doesn't belong! Too bad you didn't get that kind of production all year, Wes, or you could have been in the hunt for the real money instead of digging through Oscar's trash trying to find the consolation cash. Hey wait....I didn't think Oscar let anyone into his trash can except his closest friends. How'd you get in there? Oh....that's right! I forgot about your world famous Cookie Monster impression. Well played, sir! Coooooooooooookie!
Bobby, on the other hand, wasted a 41 pt day from Brees, a 26 point tally from Jacobs, and a nearly 20 pt afternoon from Marshall because of a super off day for Wayne (6.8) and an unenthusiastic showing by Ryan Fitzpatrick who could only muster 6.3 pts as a starting QB. Put down that Jameon's whiskey, my Irish friend....there's a game going on out there! Oh, and how could I not remember the measley 6 pts that the Pittsburgh D posted as they were beaten by the Raiders! Talk about slaying the giant...was that Buster Douglas playing on Oakland's D-line???? All of these slip-ups weren't enough to push Bobby out of the playoffs, but as this video shows, he almost lost it!

Janice....help Bobby out!!!!!
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The next tilt was an ass-whoopin' of epic proportions as Sean continued his hot streak and lambasted Chris by nearly 100 pts. The victory allowed Sean to win the easy $100 as league champ and capture the all important top seed and a chance to square off with Bobby. With the loss, Chris still hung onto the four spot to set up a 4-5 matchup with Sunto.
Chris got shat upon by his entire troop minus Addai and Gates, but the real kick in the nuts came early on Sunday when it was announced that DeAngelo would be sitting the game out. From there it was pretty much game, set, and match for the Bulldogs. Hey, D....I know you are on a bad team and are a little knicked up, but so is Steven Jackson and he manages to make it onto the field every Sunday. How about suiting up and rolling your ugly ass out onto the turf???? DeAngelo is so ugly that he could put the boogie man out of business...keep your helmet on dude!
Meanwhile, Sean got a virtual explosion from everyone in his faction except the kicker as he rolled up another 200+ point day. I'm not gonna say that his game against Bobby this week is gonna be one sided, but it may look a lot like this.................

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................
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Sunto was able to fend off Andy's ass-tacular performance to post a 131-114 win and slide into the 5 hole to face Bulldogs. Andy's loss sent him to the dreaded 9 spot where he is on the outside looking in for the playoffs. Sunto somehow fanangled a "W" even though he received a .64 from Caldwell, a .70 from Choice, and a 0 from Carney (Psssst, Sunto....that dude doesn't play anymore!). Those are the three biggest wastes of space since the Girls Next Door! Thank the heavens for Rivers, Vernon Davis, and CJ, right Sunny????
Andy, however, got no support as everyone on his team, save for the upstart VY and the kicker, came in at or below projected levels, including ADP, McCoy, and Maroney who could only eek out 25.3 pts between them. Dude, you were in three fantasy leagues and couldn't make the playoffs in any of them???? Who's to blame for that? A little advice that I once heard for two dreadlocked wise men......Blame it on the rain!!!! So the much maligned draft day trade between Andy and Chris in which some thought Andy had stolen All Day, leaves Andy in the Toilet Bowl and Chris in a matchup with Sunto with a more than decent chance at advancing into the second round......hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
To be fair, this matchup was far from dominated by either team, I half expected to it to end up like this....................

What in the hell were you guys doing at the 8 Second Saloon???????
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Our last matchup featured league whipping boy, Sweat, squaring off against the newly revitalized Crash Jensen. The result left Sweat in the basement to face Andy in the Toilet Bowl (how about that Wes...you're no longer the Fantasy Fucktard!) and sent Don into a 6th seed matchup with Styx.
Sweat actually had good results from his QBs (yeah, Quinn posted a 34!) and WRs, but fell flat when it came to the RBs. This marks an end to a not-so-brilliant run for Sweat this season. Saying his team was bad was like saying Three-Mile-Island was a small mishap....although I think I may have wanted to deal with that core meltdown more than I would have wanted to deal with Sweat's squad!
Don, conversely, is on the upswing after getting over-the-top efforts from Warner, Campbell, and Bess. Yes, that is correct, Jason Campbell and Davone Bess! Anyone see that coming? Well, hopefully Styx has his head on a swivel this week, because I can see Don making a run at the 3 seed and coming up with a bit of a Sunday Miracle to land in the second round. I mean, stranger things have happened right?.......................

Don, if you win, will you please change your name to Dude Perfect?
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Well, boys, that's the last of the full edition of the updates this season. Next week will only feature the four playoff games. The Toilet Bowl will be covered on the league page, so check there if you are in the bottom four. I hope you all get as much enjoyment out of reading these as I do writing them. And if you don't like them....go fuck yourself! I gotta get going for now. I'm out of here like Charlie Weis. "Hey Coach, can you clean out your office? No, I mean right now...Brian Kelly is already pulling into campus! And can you take your fupa with you????"