Week 3 Update

Another week in the book, boys! There were a few exciting developments this weekend as the Bears traveled to the Pacific Northwest and were able to hold off the neon-green clad Hawks to stay in the hunt in the NFC North as Cutler said, "So long, Denver....Go long, Devin"! (There is a desktop wallpaper available with that saying on Google Images if anyone is interested.....and I know you are!) Also, Buckeye CableSystem unveiled the RedZone channel in its HD-Pack....I may never leave the basement again! Gone are the days of having to sit through the Lions and Browns games to get halftime highlights from the wacky Fox crew! Oh, technology..............Here's how things looked from where I sat.
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In out first game of the week, Andy was able to beat Sweat (What????? Are you serious?????? I never saw that coming!!!!!!). Was that a 78 TOTAL points?!?! The fact that Sweat was beaten was not the story as he continues to trot out his squad of players that would find themselves right at home on The Island of Misfit Toys! I half expect to open up the matchup page someday in the near future and find out his starting QB, RB, and WR are Hermey the Dentist, The Cowboy that Rides an Ostrich, and Charlie-In-The-Box. I mean, come on man.....Joey Galloway?!?! David Boston just called and wondered if you needed him as a bye-week replacement!
Andy, on the other hand, used a trio of Eagles to roll to victory. DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and Kevin Kolb (good thing for injuries, huh?) all had big days for team Douche-Driver. That sure is a whole lot of Philadelphians on one team....why not just roll out next week with Randall Cunningham, Reggie White, Ron Jaworski, Mike Quick, and Vince Papale!!!! Don't get your hopes up, Douche-Driver, because you aren't gonna be facing a team of this caliber every week!
Douche-Driver:"Excuse me, Utah, but my name is spelled wrong."
Utah: "Nothing personal, but is it really gonna matter?"



Hey, Andy. When I told you not to get your hopes up..........didn't mean that I wasn't!!!!!
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In the second contest, Don shot down Wes even though Wes posted a rock solid score of 163. JJ came through against the leaky Bears secondary for a TD reception and the galloping Frenchman Pierre Thomas was "tres bien" at Buffalo and posted 33 pts. This is gonna be a tough one to swallow, Wes, but might I recommend a twelve of Natty Light and the BK Quad-Stacker to help ease the pain. Just make sure you have plenty of full-fat mayo on hand for dipping purposes and this loss will be forgotten by beef patty number two!

Don was able to come up with his first "W" of the season as Jason Campbell and Santana Moss scored him 38 and 34 points respectively. I'm not sure how many weeks out of the season you can count on 'Skins players, but they were facing the Lions this week and we all know that that translates into fantasy gold. Kurt Warner had a decent game, although he is beginning to show his age and reminding me a bit of Broadway Joe Namath after he showed up at that Monday Night game a few years ago........................(starts at 0:48 in the clip)
"Hey Joe, it's been a tough season for Don's fans. What does it mean to you now when Don's team is struggling?" "I wanna kiss Don! I couldn't care less about Don stugg-a-ling. What we know is, Don can improve.....Don's looking to next season. He's looking to make a noise now and...I wanna kiss Don!...YEAH!"



I never knew Joe was such a Don Comes fan......weird!
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Styx tasted defeat for the first time as Kos came into town and smacked down his 162 with a 167. Kos finally got a good game from his keeper, Aaron Rogers, and rode strong performances from his entire lineup minus TJ (How'd that trash talkin' about the Bears work out for ya, Housh?) and K2. Apparently when Winslow said, "We don't give a damn about nothin' but this U", he was including not giving a damn about receptions or yardage!
Styx may have been able to pull off the victory, however, for some reason, Michael Vick was slotted in as his second QB. Although, the .9 pts that Vick got was actually more than the -3 pts his other QB, Mark Bulger, totaled on the day. Damn, Stumps, who are you gonna pick up for next week???? Heath Shuler? Andre Ware? Tim Couch? David Klingler? This is a 2 QB league....not a half-QB league!









If you need help that badly Styx, (with the fact that The Eagles are on a bye next week and Bulger is injured, you DO need help that badly) might I make a suggestion? I might have just the guy for you. He's famous, available (for now), and has the genes to fit right onto your team. That's right......................................................................................Marcus Vick!!!! I mean, if you can't get the older, better looking, more talented, and smarter brother, you might as well get somebody that's related to him. At least that's the principal that all the girls that date Andy go by!
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Bobby was able to best his son in their matchup despite an off day from big guns like Drew Brees and Steve Smith (10.8 and 5.8), but Reggie Wayne put in work out in the desert to the tune of 28 and that was enough to push Bobby Over the Top.

Why would you do something like that to you son, Bob?
Bobby: When I get to that Sunday, that person, whoever they are they're my mortal enemy. I hate them!"
Ok, Ok. Take it easy. So, being number one is very important to you, huh?
Bobby: "Being number one is everything. There is no second place. Second sucks!"
I can see that. Well, that being said, don't you think you could've eased off on your offspring just a little bit?
Bobby: I drive truck, break arms, and play fantasy football. It's what I love to do. It's what I do best!
Ok....back to you, Utah!
(Sorry if some of you haven't seen Over the Top, I guess you should be a bit more into classic Americana theater!)

Well, what can I say about the week that Robert had? I believe it can beat be described as a horrible pile of shit! Four of his players scored two point or less as Bowe snuck into the lineup even though he was inactive and Byron Leftwich tossed out a 1.33! Guess it's time to go back to JaMarcus, Robert! That should really get things turned around! Your pile of shit team is really bringing this league down, Robert. Please get your act together and stop polluting this league with your trash! In the words of Woodsy the Owl, " Give a hoot, Robert. Don't pollute! Hoot, Hoot!". Clean up that team, man!!!!
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In the second-to-last matchup this week, Sunto was beaten by Chris as Sunto used sub-of-the-week, Tashard Choice to grind out 25 points, but all the WRs and the TE on his team did their very best impressions of Tedd Ginn and Roy Williams and dropped everything thrown their way! This just wasn't you week, Sunto. Take solace in the fact that your team isn't gonna perform like it was drafted by one of the Kepler brothers every week and Matt Ryan isn't always gonna play like Irene Ryan (Yeah..that's Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies!).

Chris came through with his first victory of the year with the help of Flacco (32 pts), even though he was forced to start a Cleveland QB (Quinn= 2 pts). That's gonna hurt as Quinn gets the starting job yanked from him and McNabb doesn't play next week (time to start the wheelin'-and-dealin'). Might I throw out some sage-like advice to you, Chris, that comes from one of the world most trusted philosophers.....Vanilla Ice. When it comes to Brady Quinn I will give you the same advice that the Vanilla one gave his love interest in the classic Cool as Ice, "Drop that zero, and get with a hero!" Truer words have never been spoken....Word to your mutha!!!!

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And now we come to our last game this week! Coming into this Sunday, the Indomitable Johnny Utah was feeling quite a bit of trepidation. Sunday morning brought the announcement that oft-injured (and Utah's 2nd RB) Broken Brian Westbrook was going to be spending his sabbath kicked back in a La-Z-Boy. Utah was disappointed, but not heartbroken. Then, at about 1:05pm Eastern, Fragile Frank Gore heads to the locker room via medi-cart after only a single carry. (Just to be clear, that would be a COMBINED 0.6 pts from the first two round picks of the prodigious one.) Utah was bordering on the verge of hopelessness at this point. The topper came, however, a little later in the day when the guy I drafted (unhappily) as a #1 WR, Terrible Terrell Owens, posted ZERO catches for ZERO yards! What was Utah to do? Two RBs and a WR score less than a point.....nobody could come back from a deficit that big! But then again...this team wasn't assembled by just anybody, was it? A funny thing happened at the end of the day. I checked the matchup score and saw that I had a 50 point lead and Sean had only Romo and Roy Williams to play on Monday night. Those guys don't go big....they go home! When the going gets tough....those guys just go! It was just about then that I realized what was about to happen, and I........Jizzed in my Pants!!!!



Schaub threw for 41 and I.......Jizzed in my Pants!
Cutler tossed for 31 and I........Jizzed in my Pants!
Harvin went off (again) for 25 and I...........Jizzed in my Pants!
Jizzed in my Pants, Jizzed in my Pants.
Cedric ran for 17 against a stingy Steelers "D" and I...............Jizzed in my Pants!
The Denver "D" shutdown Oakland for 19 and I..........Jizzed in my Pants!
Chris Johnson (a very unoriginal team name...why don't you change that) could only muster 140 pts with a full team and I.............Jizzed in my Pants!

Now I'll go home and change!
I guess I'd better call Timberlake over, cuz I'm gonna need a cleanup in aisle 3, also!
How can somebody manage to put together such a dominate squad when they drafted out of the 11th hole????
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Well that's it for this week, gents. I hope you've got your teams right because the bye weeks are comin' and we no longer have any undefeated teams left. The league is wide open so come get some! I'm outta here like Pat Swayze.....the Double Duece has been closed for the last time by the best cooler in the business! Pain don't hurt!