Week 1 Update

Well, boys, the last month of research and planning has finally come to an end as Week 1 in the NFL has finally kicked off. So let's make like Michael Phelps and dive right in! Uh...that was a swimming pool reference, Styx, I wasn't referring to Mr. Phelp's extracurricular activities at that party where some dude thought that it would be prudent to photograph an Olympic champion hoarking on a smoker! A little decorum, please, people!.................Here's how things looked from where I sat.


In the heartbreaking first contest of the season, Robert laid waste to the up-until-now Mighty Johnny Utah. This was a disappointing start for the Utes as the QB combo of Cutler 'N Schaub reminded me less of the wonderfully tasty candy treats known as Mike 'N Ikes and brought to mind the lesser, nasty tasting Good 'N Plentys....as in, neither was very GOOD and both threw PLENTY of interceptions! Combine that with Gonzo dropping in a heap after receiving an inside-leg kick from the invisible man and Breaston deciding that even after practicing fully on Friday that Sunday seemed like a good day to call in sick (in a minor roster snafu, the Utes had no replacement!....Fuck me!) and you had what amounted to a steaming pile of shit from the commish! The lone bright spot from Johnny Utah came as Cedric Benson managed to roll his carcass onto the field have a a great day. Cedric hasn't felt that comfortable since he was handed a 12 pack and a set of boat keys! "Sure I'm ok to brive this doat, officer."
Robert took advantage of the messy Utah situation and used strong days from the Grumpy Old Men, Byron Leftwich and Thomas Jones, to secure a week 1 victory.
..............-"Excuse me, Mr. Jones, have you seen Byron Leftwich?"
-"You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker Byron Leftwich?"
-"Have you seen him?"
-"The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if Byron's taken his medication."
-"Medication?"
-"Yes, without it Byron could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights."..............
Maybe you should have taken that draft day bet, Robert!

In the second tilt, Wes blasted Sweat's lackluster squad with what can only be described as the most impressive feat in Seattle history. What is the most impressive feat in Seattle history, you ask? The Space Needle? The birthplace of Nirvana? The starting point for the Starbucks franchise? All good choices, but none of them correct. The most impressive feat in Seattle history is having the combination of Julius Jones and John Carlson score 48 points on Wes' fantasy football team! Truly amazing! If they could only play the Rams every week and figure out a way to make that bitter Starbucks coffee cost less than a house payment, Seattle would be unstoppable! As for Sweat's squad, I'm thinking that Domenik Hixson in the flex spot might not be the way to go. I'm thinking that if you want to go with a NYG receiver as a flex, maybe Phil McConkey or Mark Bavaro is available on the waiver wire! God knows that you could roll either of them onto the field and come away with at least 2 points! While you are at it, why don't you scoop up Otis "My Man" Anderson and Joe Morris while you are at it! Damn, Sweat, your team makes me want to yell out like Clara Peller in 1984....................................



In the closest matchup of the week, Kos outlasted Chris to win by just over 7 points. Kos used a solid day from "Go Deep" Devin and "Matty Ice" Hasselbeck to push through average days from LT and Slaton (better get used to that Kos, those guys ain't what they used to be). The Peterson-less BULLDOGS (man that 43 pt game from Flacco would have looked good next to a 49 pt day from ADP!) couldn't quite make up enough ground to take this match, thanks in large part to the Dallas DEF posting a meager 2 points and the use of both Ted Ginn AND Torry Holt as starters! I think the below video best describes Chris' thought process before trading away Peterson and Grant as well as when he was cutting and pasting together his starting team...............


....................Hey, Chris, I'll give you some Cheez-Its and a Rolo for Deangelo!

Question...how do you get 60 pts from a QB and 33 pts from a WR and still lose? Well, you have Jake Delhomme as your second QB! Right, Bobby? The Snake came to the table this week with a NEGATIVE four pts! Jake Delhomme actually looked like the present day Jake "The Snake" Roberts in this contest. No, not the Jake Roberts that was the headliner at countless WWF events. I'm talking about the Jake Roberts that was holed up in a cut-rate hotel room smoking the glass dick! Put down that pipe, Delhomme, and pick up that clipboard. AJ Feely needs somebody to track his stats! Styx actually had this conflict wrapped up on Thursday night as Big Ben and Santonio Holmes passed all over the Titans secondary as the NFL kicked off the 2009-2010 season. Ben bent over Tenneesse's defense like a VIP host at the Lake Tahoe Harrah's. Ben, do you really have to go all the way to Tahoe to bag a big-toothed chubby-chubskins? I'm sure there are plenty fatties in the Steel City that need some attention....I'm just sayin'.

Another question.....how long are people gonna take Braylon Edwards seriously as a fantasy football player? With all the balls that pass through his hands, this guy should be changing his name to Shyla Stylez! I mean, damn, with a few more balls, Braylon is gonna be in the running for AVN award for Best Male Newcomer! And he was at it again this week as he posted a disgusting 1.7 pts to all but disspell the 42 pts that Sean got from Tony Romo as Andy got the best of Sean in their tet'a'tet. Andy rode a nearly 50 pt day from Adrian Peterson to victory like Peter North having his way with any 18 year-old that wants to come to Chatsworth to try her hand at starring in the next installment of North Pole. And, no, gentlemen, there will be no video in this section of the recap. I'm sure you can all find a clip or sixty on your favorite website!

And that brings us to our final clash of the week.....Sunto vs. Don. This was a good old fashioned beat down of Old West proportions as Sunto nearly doubled Don's output and sent Mr. Comes flying through a set of those rickety swinging bar doors and out onto the dusty street at high noon. As a matter of fact, it brings a certain movie to mind for me. It goes something like this if I remember it correctly.........(Read along below the clip starting at 1:21)......

Don:Christ almighty, it's like I'm sittin' here playing cards with
my brother's kids or somethin', you nerve-wracking sons-of-bitches.
Don:Is somethin' on your mind?
Sunto:Just want to let you know you're sittin' in my chair.
Don:Is that a fact?
Sunto:Yeah, it's a fact.
Don:For a man that don't go heeled, you run your mouth kinda reckless, don't ya?
Sunto:No need to go heeled to get the bulge on a tub like you.
Don:Is that a fact?
Sunto: Mm-hmm. That's a fact.
Don:Well, I'm real scared.
Sunto:Damn right, you're scared. I can see that in your eyes.
Don:All right now!
Sunto:Go ahead. Go ahead, skin it! Skin that smoke wagon and see what happens.
Don: Listen, Sunto, I-I'm gettin' awful tired of your...
(Sunto slaps Don across the face)
Sunto:I'm gettin' tired of your gas. Now jerk that pistol and go to work.
(slaps Don again)
I said throw down, boy.
(Slaps Don a third time)
You gonna do somethin',or just stand there and bleed? No? I didn't think so.
Here, Utah, a keepsake. Hang it over the bar. All right, youngster, out you go.
Don't come back! Ever!

Dang, Don, are you gonna do something? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed????????

Well that's it for this week boys. There will be more to come next week, I'm sure. So for now, I'm outta here like Tila Tequila after getting chocked OUT by "Lights OUT". I don't think that dude has ever touched steriods! Do you?