Week 2 Update

Good Morning, boys! It's a great week to be alive as this past weekend was filled with joy for Utah as the Bucks and Bears both won (Jeff Reed is available on the waiver wire if anyone is in need of a kicker that misses EVERY kick he attempts!) and this writer was able to pound out victories in all three of his fantasy leagues (anyone surprised?....more on that later!). But you don't want to hear about me as much as I do, so let's have a look at this week's contests...........Here's how things looked from where I sat.
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In the first tilt of the week, Bobby absolutely cleaned Wes' clock with the help of big days from Drew Brees (again) and Freaky Freddie Jackson. Get all you can out of that guy, Bob, cuz I got a feeling that in about a week-and-a-half, that guy will be about as valuable in fantasy circles as Fred Savage, Fred Flinstone, Fred McGriff, or Fred Rogers......So pull on that sweater from out of the closet and tie on that pair of comfortable shoes, Freddie, cuz Marshawn is due back in two weeks. Don't worry, though, you'll always have Mr. McFeely, X the Owl, Purple Panda, and King Friday to keep you company in the Land of Make Believe! (Maybe you can make-believe that you are still a relevant fantasy football player.) As for Wes' team.....well, what can I say? When I saw that two WRs did not record a single catch, the third WR was Bubba Caldwell, the "starting" RB combo of Lendale and JJ totalled 13 pts, and the 2nd overall pick posted a non-Brady-like 12 pts, I wanted to call 911 and get some help sent out for his squad. Luckily, I didn't have to because Wes had purchased the amazing product featured below.......the part of Wes' is played by Mrs. Fletcher and he appears at 0:28 in this clip! (Sound quality is a bit low, so you will need to up your volume a bit).



What's the monthly rate on that LifeCall, Wes? I need to look into one, because your team is giving me chest pains!
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The second contest was a toe-to-toe affair as Styx managed to out due Robert despite being up by only a point going into Monday night with only Dallas Clark to go against Robert's Peyton Manning. Amazingly, Clark scored only a fraction of a point less than Manning to give Styx the "W"! This was an epic battle that reminded me of one of the greatest battles of all time. I am speaking, of course, of Rocky Balboa v. Apollo Creed in Rocky II. In fact, when I saw the final score, I had a vision pop into my head of the movie from a bit of a different perspective...........
(Scene Opens): A sleepless, unshaven, and beaten down Styx leans onto the hospital bed of his gay lover, Sean. Gay Sean, weak from a long night of taint-licking and cum guzzling, has lapsed into a coma and lays motionless on a gurney (inexplicably without any machines or even an IV.....I always thought that was weird!). Gay Styx, who even though he is scheduled to fight the WBA champ, Robert, soon, refuses to leave the bedside of his homo partner. After several days and restless nights filled with Gay Styx reading books to and writing poetry for his lover, Gay Sean finally awakens and clears the spoo-crust from his mouth long enough to tell Gay Styx that he only wants Gay Styx to do one thing......"Win"! Gay Styx immediately charges from the hospital and begin a grueling training regimen to prepare him to fulfill the request of his life partner. The battle between Gay Styx and Robert finally comes to fruition a few days later and is an all-out slugfest. Back and forth they go into the 15th round until a simutaneous punch sends both combatants to the ground. As referee Utah begins the count, both fighters attempt to climb the ropes in an effort to get back on their feet. As the count reaches nine, Robert realizes that he just doesn't have enough stamina left and collapses in the corner. Gay Styx, however, manages to stagger to his feet as referee Utah counts 9...10! Victory for Gay Styx! The fag is so overjoyed with the win that he grabs the microphone and calls out to his recovering boyfriend at home, "Yo, Sean! I did it! (Scene fades).............................. Does anyone else's mind work like that...or is it just me?????
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The next tilt was the "Battle of Someone Has to Win This Ass-fest". Both squads came in struggling with Sweat being forced to use Lance Moore and Domenik Hixson and Don entrenched in a committee of RBs that may have seen their better days. This is not 2007, Mr. Comes. I was thinking about some advice to give you guys on your teams, and I think Ferris Bueller said it best when he said, "The fantasy season moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you may miss it.". I agree, Ferris. They may also miss the playoffs....and their entrance fees! Sigh........this matchup makes my head hurt. I'm going to take an Excedrin and move on!
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Sean was able to get the best of Chris who dropped to 0-2 on the season, but who had to have breathed a huge sigh of relief as the two WRs that he traded the best player in fantasy football for finally came through. Colston had a big day catching passes from "Poopy Cheek" Brees and Andre Johnson went off like he was Andre 3000! "Matt Schaub don't mess around, and yes he loves me so, and this I know for sho'.......(clap, clap)". Hey-Ya, indeed, Mr. Johnson! But even this output was not enough to combat Sean's unit because Chris Johnson ran the ball as if his hair was on fire! Thankfully, his hair didn't actually ignite because if it had, it would have made the wildfires in California seem like a two-log bonfire....."Mommy, why does that man have the Hindenburg on his head?" If Chris' head was on fire, Sean, maybe you could call in that broke-ass trio of WRs you have to put it out, cuz those guys are ice-fucking-cold! Was that a negative sign before Donnie Avery's score???? That ain't gonna cut it against the big boys, Haus!
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In the fifth contest,, Sunto was able to stay unbeaten even though I'm pretty sure that 3 of his 4 WRS are #2s and #3s and his flex this week was Bobby Meachem......didn't that guy play for the Yankees in the 80's? Andy gave it a go with the Johnson brothers (DeSean and Vinny) and Favre, but was undone by the continued poor play of Eddie Royal. "You know what they call a shitty WR with cheese in France?" "An Eddie Royal with cheese!"
Sunto used the lawfirm of Rivers, Ryan, and Brown to send Andy a "Cease and Desist" order demanding that Andy stop trying to win with such a medicre team......
Sunto: Your Honor, I move to have the defendant, Andrew Welling, remanded into custody immediately on a charge of embezzling draft picks that he has no intention of using on quality players and a charge of impersonating an exceptional fantasy football manager!"
Andy: "Objection, Your Honor. I am an exceptional fantasy manager."
Judge: "Allow me to look over your record in your fantasy leagues.......Oh, Jesus.....One and Five????? OBJECTION OVERRULLED! You are an ass-awful fantasy manager!
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In the last contest this week, order was finally restored to the world. Kos' team scored its anticipated mediocre score of 141 pts and would have tallied the projected 148 if Hasselbeck hadn't gone down with what the Hawks are calling a "rib injury" (We all know that he probably is in need of another back-eotomy.............Hello, Matt Casell, eh, Kos?). But the story of the week was the monstrous performance put on by the squad that takes its name from "The Beehive State". That's right...the once-again Mighty Johnny Utah. No...this performance was more than merely mighty. It was historic! It was a landmark! It was astronomical!!!! Never before in the history of this league had a score of 239 been posted! You heard it right...I scored more points this week than had EVER been scored before! There have been a few 200 point games every season (even a 228 game last season), but NEVER anything like this! This was the paramount performance of the pigskin! The Mount Rushmore of rotisserie leagues! I mean, seriously, people........If I was a movie, I would be "The Godfather". If I was an album, I would be The Beatles' "White Album". If I were a boxer, I would be Cassius Clay. If I were a cartoon, I would be drawn by Chuck Jones. If I were a villian, I would be Hannible Lector. If I were a super-villian, I would be Lex Luthor. If I were a guitarist, I would be Jimi Hendrix. If I were a novel, I would be "The Great Gatsby". If I were a magazine, I would be "The New Yorker". If I were a TV show, I would be "Cheers" (can't you just hear the chourus of, "Utah!!!!!" as I sauntered into the bar?). Are you starting to get the picture?????? This was the single greastest week of fantasy football ever assembled by one man....and it just so happens that that man is ME! No suprise here! Just when you shitbags thought that you had Johnny Utah right where you wanted him. Just when you thought that you may be able to keep him down for a season, here comes this score. Absolutely amazing. You know, this victory got me to thinking about a song that the great (but not as great as me) Bob Seger wrote about Johnny Utah back in the late 70's........................



Utah always won, everytime he placed a bet; Utah's still damn good, no ones gotten to him yet
Everytime they were sure they had Utah caught; He was quicker than they thought
He'd just turn his back and walk; Utah always said, the Schaub would never do him wrong
The trick he said was never play the Gore too long; A gamblers share, the only risk Utah would take
The only loss he could forsake; The only bluff he couldn't fake
And Utah's still the same; Kos caught up with him yesterday
Moving game to game; No one standing in Utah's way
Turning on the charm; Long enough to get him by
Utah's still the same; He still aims high

(Music plays while a tear falls down Kos' check as he laments on what might have been if he hadn't been facing such a fierce opponent) There Utah stood, everybody watched him play
Kos just turned and walked away; Kos had nothing left to say
Cause Utah's still the same; Utah's still the same
Moving game to game; Some things never change
Utah's still the same
(Music fades as Kos walks dejectedly out of the door, saddened by the ass-whoopin' just laid on him by the Mighty One)......

Don't get discouraged, Kos....at some point this season, you'll get to beat Sweat!
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Well, boys, that's another week in the books. Stayed tuned next week for more shenanigans from The Bearbacker league. But, for now, I'm out of here like Kanye West after a pint of Hennesey and a bum rush of the VMAs. "Hey, Sean, you had a good week. But Utah had the one of the best weeks of all time!" Was anybody else a little creeped out by that fiasco?????? That little stunt had me completely confused. The only thing that would have me more confused would be if I were to see an Asain dude in a Mexican hat!
Huh......what are the odds???????? Como Estas, mi amigo????????????